He is the Lights of the City ...

I have thought a lot about what I feel about transgender people lately.  Before knowing that I would find myself thinking about this nearly all the time, I was like most people, I think, that rarely had any thoughts.  It was something I found strange.  It was something I would only see on television.  It was something I did not understand, nor did I ever take the time to understand or feel the need to dissect until I understood.  It was something that really did not touch my world.

After visiting New York for the first time last year, I told people how much I loved it and how, for me, it was either exactly like I imagined or better.  I had only ever heard about New York through others or seen it on television; depicted romantically or negatively in movies, sitcoms or documentaries.  A lot of negative has been said about New York over the years, and yet, I guess, I always chose to ignore the negative and view it romantically, as when I visited there (many times over the last 18 months), I seldom saw or experienced anything that did not support my romantic feelings about New York - even though negative existed.

That's how it has sort of evolved for me - my relationship with transgender people.  I guess I chose to view them as a part of life I had never experienced but somehow accepted as a unique, yet strange, population of people that helped to form humanity into something greater than it already was.  When I found out that Chris was transgender I forgot that I had these feelings.  When I found out that Chris was transgender all I was consumed with (even now, sometimes) was how do I stop trying to dissect this thing to the point to where I truly understand it?  Now that I am intimately entrenched in a community and the experience, with a child, that has pulled me out of a pixelated world of television and movies and into a reality that is not romantic at all - forced me onto a journey where I have spent months mourning one child so that I can openly embrace another - now that I am here, I am doing my best to fight off the negative that tries to drown me and only focus on how to help make this story end happily.  The problem is I often find myself on my tip-toes struggling to see past the crowd of people in front of me so I can see the beauty of the city lights.

I am the crowd in front of me.  Chris doesn't even know how much I am coming to realize that he is the lights of the city ...

Broken Hearts and Battle Lines ...

I got a call from my daughter, Courtney.  She was very upset - saying she'd gotten into a fight with my mother.  She had gone to her grandmother's house to watch the Spurs game with her.  After spending some time watching the game, discussion arose about Chris, but my mother didn't refer to him as Chris, but as Chloe, even when Courtney would correct her several times.  Courtney went on to describe to me the heated discussion she and my mother had about how difficult my mother was finding it to call Chris by his new name or using "he" or "him" when she spoke about him.  Courtney told me how she tried to make it clear to my mother that it was and is very important to Chris that we all call him by his new name and use male pronouns when referring to him.  Courtney told me how she tried to make it clear that Chris is transitioning and that nothing is going to stop that and that his life and happiness depends on these changes, as well as others accepting and supporting him.  My mother went on to state her position on the subject - which was really the first time I or any of us had heard her openly state that she "couldn't" call him Chris and that her beliefs were such that she was finding it all very difficult to accept.

My mother loves my kids immensely and has always been extremely close to Courtney and Chris. When she and I have had discussions about Chris' transitioning, she has always been very open minded and supportive, for Chris' sake, as she loves him so much.  But ... I have always known that she has deep feelings about Chris changing, and even though she does not openly discuss her worries or fears or disapproval, even, I always knew there were things she was not really saying, as I know my mother.

I told Courtney to take a deep breath and try to understand.  Courtney is not only Chris' closest friend and twin, but his greatest advocate (and vice-versa).  It seems to me that she feels it is her duty to help Chris as much as she can - even if it means going to battle for him with loved ones.  I told her to try and realize that people have to be given time to adjust, people have the prerogative of choosing to never accept or support, people have the right to stand strong by their beliefs, people need to lovingly and calmly be asked to do the best they can to help Chris with his transitioning by doing what he needs from them, people need to be given respect and encouragement when trying to create an alliance for Chris.  My mother will and does love Chris no matter what, but if you ask her how she really feels she might just tell you.  You have to be willing to hear other people's feelings and thoughts - as is the case with most matters of this magnitude.  Most of all, you just have to give people time.

I was in the car after that driving with Alexis.  She was using my phone for something and asked me why I still had Chris' name as Chloe in my phone.  I said it was because I just hadn't changed it yet. After that, she and I got into a heated discussion, as while we were talking I slipped and called Chris Chloe.  I finally stopped the fight she was trying to have with me by saying, "I'm doing the best I can, but sometimes I slip up."  She said, "I never slip up.  I always call him Chris."  I said, "I have known him as Chloe and called him Chloe for 23 years - called him Chloe probably a million times.  You have only known him as Chloe for 14 years and you can't really even count the first 3 or 4, so it's probably a little easier for you."

It just takes time to recondition ourselves.  It takes time to let go of a name so many of us are sad to let go of.  Some of us will do it easily, some not so easily, some not at all.  My mom and Courtney settled their differences and made up and since that day my mother and I have talked a bit about all this.  My mother is trying her best in a very strange and difficult situation, and through the course of the conversation I had with her I became aware that if she found herself in the position of having to go to battle for Chris with family or friends that might find difficulty accepting that Chris is transgender and that Chris and Courtney are gay, my mother would definitely go to battle to defend both of them, even if she struggles with so much with the things going on in their lives.

It is one of the hardest steps for family and friends of a transgender individual - calling them by a new name.  It is the first big step I took trying to move away from my fear and sadness and more toward acceptance.  The more I began to use Chris's new name and saw the light and happiness in his eyes when I did that, was when I began to see the light at the end of my dark tunnel.  The more I use his new name, the brighter the light becomes ...

I Might Lose My Way ...

Since Chris has moved back to Texas from New York about six weeks ago, I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with him.  In some ways, it has not been any different than all the times I spent with him over the years; before he was Chris.  Now, however, I am acutely aware that Chloe is gone, Chris is very prominent, and I am somehow more on the other side of fear and sadness and in a new place where many new emotions and experiences surround me.

You go through so many days where you have to make so many choices about this thing.  You have to make choices for yourself, for your family, for friends, for your child.  The hardest choice of all was in the beginning (for me, 10 months ago) - during the first several months when you have to decide if you will and then how you will accept this thing that will change your life from how you had always known it and how you believed it would be.  It was back in May that I told my husband, "Our daughter is now a boy.  Call him Chris, not Chloe.  If you have the strength for this, then I have the strength for this."  The truth was ... I know now ... I was the one who had to find the strength because I was the one who would lead so many others to acceptance - even my husband.

You do not know how strong you are until God gives you a thing strong than you are.  I say this to myself all the time.  I have spent many, many days and months mourning the loss of Chloe.  It's like death - like someone came to me one day and said, "I'm going to take her away from you, but in her place I will give you this other child."  That is how it feels to be the mother of a transgender child.  If that were to, in fact, happen to any mother with any of her children, she would be devastated and angry and sad and rebellious and frightened - all, emotions that are very difficult to deal with and reconcile.  People constantly have tried to tell me that I am not losing my child.  The truth is - I have not lost my child, but I have had to say goodbye to Chloe.  Saying goodbye is never easy - especially when you are not the one walking away.

There were many moments when I thought about walking away.  I don't think about that anymore, but when I did, it was because I was overwhelmed - devastated, angry, sad, rebellious and frightened - all, emotions that are very difficult to deal with and reconcile.  As difficult as this journey is for a transgender child, it is also enormously difficult for their mothers, their fathers, their parents and family and friends.  Some will handle it with more grace than I have.  All I know is ... I give myself enormous credit for standing back up after every time I have fallen on this journey.  I've done that for myself, for my family, for my friends, but most of all I have done that for Chris.  But do not believe, for one moment, that my life through this journey does not matter or count or mean anything.  If I do not find a way to survive this journey, day to day and week to week and through every change and every obstacle that threatens to knock me back down to my knees ... there are others who might not survive it, as well.  It's important that I find peace, for Chris' sake.  It's important that I find peace, for my sake.  Someone said to me not long ago, "You're being selfish.  You are putting your child's needs behind your own here, and for what? Because you feel like you're losing a daughter?"  This person went on to say, "Move on."

Come into my house, take away my girl child and leave me with a boy child and then tell me to accept it and move on.   Only a crazy person would believe a mother could and would easily be able to do that ...

I am moving on, but not one minute before I have had what I feel is adequate amount of time for me to say goodbye to Chloe.  I may never completely say goodbye to her, I don't know.  I have and continue to support and embrace Chris - more completely and more easily everyday.  I am doing that with the love I have for my child - for Chris and for Chloe.  I, more than anyone, know that the soul of my child has not changed and that what is on the outside is not as important as what is on the inside.  It is not Chris' appearance that I struggle with - it is the becoming comfortable with his new identity.

I worked in a corporate environment for many years before I chose to quit and stay home with my children 23 years ago.  I distinctly remember how difficult the first year was; adjusting to my new life out of the workforce.  I remember telling people that I struggled with the adjustment because my job was so much a part of my identity and when it was gone I had to redefine who I thought I was.  That is exactly the same way it has felt traveling this road with Chris - knowing things as one way for a long time and identifying myself for 23 years as Chloe's mother, but then waking up one day and finding that Chloe will be gone and I am now the mother to Chris.

My advice to people who do not have children is to be very careful when trying to advise those of us that do in how to raise them.  My advice to those who do not have gay or transgender children is to be very careful when trying to advise those of us that do in how to deal with it.  My advice to parents or mothers who are traveling a similar journey with a child who is transgender, like I am, is ... do the best you can for your child and make sure you care for yourself, as well, through the process.  The truth of the matter is that no one can make you get up if you don't want to, but you have to get up and go on, you have to find a way to survive this struggle to the point where you are stronger than your worries or fears or sadness or anger.  You have to survive for your child.  You have to get up ...

We Are Both Butterflies

There's a beginning point, a middle point and an ending to every situation in life.  Every so often, as I am traveling this journey with Chris being transgender, I wonder where we are at.  While the beginning was a little over ten months ago now for me, Chris' beginning happened several years ago, and in so many ways I know that Chris is way farther into his journey than I am, maybe in the middle.  For me, it feels like I am viewing life through a kaleidoscope - where the images keep shifting to produce a new picture, but your mind knows the images you see are made from the same collection of colored shards just shifted and thrown together differently.  If you have the same collection of shards just thrown together and shifted to create different images, you have to know that you are at the beginning of something and it will not change until and unless the shards are changed.  I seem to be stuck in the beginning of this journey, even though much has and is shifting around me.

When I found out my twins were gay I went through stages of accepting the reality and modifying my life to embrace the reality.  I reached a stage, rather quickly, where I became comfortable and could breathe easily for several years.  Then ... Courtney became engaged to her partner (Courtney also) and another reality hit me that I had to adjust to, accept and embrace.  They aren't married yet, but when they do there will come a day when they will/might want children and that will be another strange hurdle I will need to adjust to, accept and embrace.  Before they were engaged, I do not remember ever truly realizing that that would/could happen one day.  I don't know why - maybe denial, but when it happened it was sort of a shock.  Chris came out as transgender to my husband and I in late December 2014.  If you think it might be difficult to foresee or predict the things you might encounter with a gay child, imagine how lost you would be with a transgender child - never knowing what will or can happen next to shock you or bring you to your knees.

You sort of prepare yourself for the obvious things you know or think or believe will happen, but you can not foresee everything if you are, not only an emotional mess for many months, but also thrown into a situation you really know nothing about.  There are many stages a female transgender individual goes through to transition,  Some I am aware of are wearing different clothing, changing their hair, taking on a new name, wearing binders to hide their breasts, wearing other items to appear and feel more masculine, going to therapy, taking testosterone, having others call them by male pronouns.  All of these stages Chris has or is going through.  He is becoming more masculine in appearance - his body is changing, the shape of his face is changing, his voice is deeper, he is growing thicker hair on his legs and under arms.  It's sort of like watching in slow motion a caterpillar build a cocoon and then begin to emerge as a butterfly; changing slowly before your eyes.

I went to a concert with Chris and Courtney in October.  I don't remember exactly, but I realized somewhere in that night that Chris was using the Men's restroom and not the women's anymore.  I think he said something about how they had gum or cologne or something in the Men's restroom.  I think I even responded with how there was nothing like that in the Women's restroom.  When it hit me, I went through several layers of emotions.  I was curious, but I didn't ask.  I was scared, I think.  I was shocked.  I was worried.  We were having such a fun night together and I guess I didn't want to dwell on how I felt about this thing. This part of the journey I had not thought about.  This part of the journey that, once again, made me uncomfortable and fearful.  My thoughts were not embarrassment on any level or anger or frustration at all.  My thoughts were threefold.  First was curiosity. I wondered how Chris had become brave enough to do this?   How long had he been doing this?  How does it feel to him to be among men in such a private and strange environment?  Did he feel vulnerable?  Scared?  How did he become so brave? Secondly, I was scared for Chris.  My mind visualized him walking into the Men's restroom alone.  My mind and heart saw, still, that part of him I view as Chloe and I feared for her and wanted to protect her and help her do this.  Thirdly, I wondered if he wanted me to acknowledge this new change, that I didn't. I know the truth about why I did not, other than my not wanting to disturb our night together with the possibility that I might somehow allow myself to be dragged to some dark place if I pondered the situation too much.  The truth is ... as with so much of this road we are on with Chris, sometimes I go to a place of silence as a way to protect myself.  It's denial.  If I don't talk about it then it doesn't exist.

How can I have fear and concern and even pride for Chris in this situation, above everything, and still refuse to step over that line to where I easily and openly embrace and help him through the things he must struggle with, the things he must want to discuss, the things that are huge steps in his transitioning?  I don't know, but today I am ashamed.  He did not flaunt what he was doing.  He did not throw it in my face or even tell me what he was doing.  He simply and bravely got up from his seat, walked across the club to the Men's restroom and went inside.  When he returned, he was not gloating about how brave he was or whining about how difficult it might have been.  He simply smiled so sweetly, sat beside me and we went on as if nothing was strange.  He went silent on the subject, too.  But I think it did that for me.

As I am writing this post tonight, I stopped and sent Chris a text telling him that I am sorry and ashamed that I do not easily and openly ask him questions or encourage him to have conversations with me about his transitioning.  I told him I want that to change and that I will do my best to help make that change.  Luckily, I am not the only person Chris has to talk to about things, but what if I was?  I am his mother, but I can not claim to be his mother if I do not act like his mother.

There are so many things that happen and can happen and are yet to happen on this journey.  I started this post feeling and believing I was stuck in the beginning and after writing all of this I realize it is because I am not pushing myself to move forward, sometimes.  I had an awakening tonight as I was writing and mentally reliving that night at the concert with Chris.  I saw him so clearly, so quietly walking too much of this journey with me silent.

We are both like caterpillars inside of our own kind of cocoon, only Chris is the one brave enough, with or without me, to make himself into a butterfly.  It's time I come out of my cocoon so I can see how beautiful he is going to be ...

I Dance Around Fires

I am not your "normal" mother.  I am not your "normal" 54-year-old woman.  I don't know when it was that I decided that I was more comfortable living outside of any lines, but it is where I have almost always spent most of my time.  I often compare myself to a gypsy, as they are wanderers and travelers and they dance around fires.  People sometimes tell me to keep living life the way I do, as it is clear that I love life. Sometimes people tell me they live vicariously through me.

I grew up the middle child of three; quiet and shy and often shadowed by an older sister that was joyful and filled with laughter and words she knew how to use to fill every conversation.  She was like our father and mother - so confident and so loved by others.  I admired her ability to easily fit into the world - how she had honed all of her talents of conversation and diplomacy - even as a child.  I watched her for years - taking center stage for all of us kids so perfectly.  I laughed and smiled, just as everyone did, at her joy-filled personality and pleasant demeanor.  She did everything I never knew how to do nor had to do because she did it for me; broke the ice, paved the way.  For many, many years, I lived vicariously through my sister.

Maybe that is when and where I learned how to love life so much.  Maybe, even though it took me many years to spread my wings, I learned through her how to do it.  Because ... I came out of the shadows one day, found my own voice and my own stage ... a stage that was strangely away and outside of the lines.

I wondered what sort of children I would have - being a mother, a person, who found herself wandering for so long trying to find her own self.  Looking back on all of it now, I know that it was after I had my children that I became more confident and happy - they were my stage.  My children would not describe me as ever being shy or quiet - and that is because I was no longer that person once I had them.  I worried about my children, constantly.  I wanted them to be confident and leaders and funny and smart and happy and I wanted them all to be aware of what they had to offer the world and make the most of it, from the very beginning of their lives.  I didn't want them living in any shadows, not ever.  As they each grew older I began to see that each of them were developing very strong personalities, very strong wills, very sure identities and beliefs about themselves.  Even my youngest, who has three siblings to constantly compete with for attention and to be heard, is very strong-willed and self assured.  And all, are very loud.  All are leaders.

In a lot of ways, my children have fought not to live in my shadow and I am very proud of all of them for that.  It takes a very strong will to step into your own light and stay there.  In many ways, my twins paved that path for their younger siblings, because they were and are so strong and intelligent and determined to make their own way in this world - paths that are not traveled by very many and paths that they seem very sure about.  Being gay can be difficult, and yet, both Courtney and Chris travel this path with confidence and certainty.  Battling gender dysphoria and now being trans has been a dramatic and traumatic road for Chris to travel, so much on his own, and yet he has battled through so much of the journey with dignity and strength.  His journey is far from over, but he will survive and be happy, I just know it, because he is strong and wise.  I sometimes wonder where my children's strength comes from, but then I remember how strong they have had to be to live with me as their mother.

I received a hateful private message not long ago on fB from a woman who said to me, "You have major issues. No wonder your daughters are the exact opposite of you! Good gosh never seen anything like it. I hope one day u get the help you need."

I don't know what you do with this sort of message other than delete the hateful person who sent it and then also take a moment to question the validity of such a statement.  It did not take this message from a stranger to make me question how who I was and am affects who my children are turning out to be.  I guess I won't truly know all the answers, but what I do know is this ... I have loved them all deeply.  I have taught them all right from wrong.  I have seen how they are loved by others and how they offer love freely and easily.  I have witnessed their struggles and how they deal with adversity with dignity and grace.  I have seen their ambitions pave amazing paths in their lives.  I have seen how they have mindfully taken the best parts of their father and I and woven those traits and beliefs into the fabric of their lives.  

My children are not me, but that is the most amazing part about who they are, as they found their way around me to become exactly who they want to be.  Somewhere in all of the chaos and madness and love affair that is our lives, I taught them that, and for that I am very proud and forever thankful, as the opposite of me is my children that also live outside of the lines, beyond any shadows, on their stage under their very own lights.  Me ... I will continue to be who I am despite what others think, because I have spent my whole life searching for the fires I will dance around and they say ... "Your vibe attracts your tribe" and I must have a pretty cool vibe because I have the coolest tribe ever ... 

If You Love Something ...

I was at a friend's house recently visiting.  We talked about this and we talked about that.  The subject came up about Chris at one point and my friend asked, "How is all of that going?  For you, I mean?" I went on to tell her that it is going well, but not before she also said, "You don't have to talk about it if it's too difficult."  I offered her details and stories.  She's a good friend who cares about our family and about me and she listened with a smile on her face.  She asked many questions that I openly answered.  She never implied through her words or actions that she was grateful that all that we were discussing was happening to me and my child and not her and hers, but ... I always wonder if that is not what people are thinking.

I have often been told that "this is not about you," and yet, if it was not about me then how is it that so often people ask me how I am doing through all of this?  People often tell me that they can't imagine how difficult this all must be and always offer supportive words of wisdom and encouragement, but it is always apparent that people realize that, as a mother, as a parent, this must be very hard; having a transgender child.  Unless you are living this, it is true, you really can not comprehend the difficulty.

I went to a Chris Young (country artist) concert with Chris and Courtney a few nights before this visit I had with my friend.  There was a huge crowd at the concert.  Chris, Courtney and I had gotten to the venue early enough to grab some bar stools to sit on.  As the venue began to fill with people, a large crowd gathered behind where we sat to view the concert.  I was sitting next to Chris at one point, had my hand on his back and was rubbing his back and shoulders as we talked.  When I glanced over my shoulder I caught the couple behind us watching.  I was aware of how they looked at us; not mean or with disgust or anything, just with curiosity.  I smiled at them and then turned my attention back to Chris, thinking, "I know we're not your "normal" family, but I'm certain these people see, not only that, but also how much we love each other."   I was and am proud anytime I am with Chris (and Courtney) and I am always so happy they allow me and want me to spend time with them.  I would venture to say that it is more challenging for Chris to be with me, at times, than it has ever been for me to be with him, as I am not your "normal" sort of mother and I sometimes dress and act a little wild - haha!

One of the things I realized way back when I found out my twins were gay was that they will live their lives, our children, with or without our approval or acceptance about things they do and if we do not be very careful we could easily lose them.  Courtney told me several times, back when I was really having difficulty accepting Chris being transgender, that if she was forced to choose between me or Chris, she would choose Chris.  And she would have.  And I would and could have lost both of them.  I never reached the point where I turned away completely, but there were times when I thought I might.  I'm certainly glad I didn't because I don't know if Chris could actually survive without me in his life, but I do know that I do not believe I could survive without him.

Do you know that saying, "If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was?"  Well, that's how it was and is sometimes for me with Chris and Courtney.  They live their lives and set me free to decide if I will fly away or stay and be in theirs.  I don't know if this is how they see things, but it is how I see things.  I am forced to choose my love for them over my worries and fears, sometimes.  I don't know if they realize I would never fly away.  My greatest fear has always been that ... my children will fly away and never come back to me ...