All the Shoes ...

It's always in the night when my thoughts are clearest for some reason.  It's when I think the best.  It's when I write the best.  It's when I make most of my to-do lists.  Tonight I am not writing any to-do lists.  Tonight I am thinking about Chris.

On this night, Chris is in my house sleeping in his old room down the hall.  It's the room he shared for many years with his sister, Courtney, however, tonight, only he is here.

Chris and Courtney no longer live in our home. They have their own home that they share with another room-mate in Austin.  Over time, their room in our home has changed and become sort of a catch-all room that I eventually would like to clear and clean out completely and make into a nice guest bedroom.  I really don't know what has taken me so long to repaint that room, clear out all the miscellaneous furniture, pack away all of Chris and Courtney's belongs left behind, to be stored in the attic or sent off to live with them.  I really don't know what it is, other than some part of me that has not been ready to completely change that part of my life.  The room is not the same, at all, as when they lived there, but in some ways it is still very much their room.  I guess a part of me always wants it to be "their room".

When I use to blog on my first blog (called On the Upside), I remember writing a post one day about all the shoes in our house and how it would aggravate me to constantly to find sets of shoes lying around everywhere - from six different people - so many shoes - so many shoes never put away - so many shoes that never made it to their closets - so many shoes left by the front door or under a couch - so many shoes.  I ended that post by realizing that, while I was often aggravated by all the misplaced shoes ... that there would come a day when I would miss all the shoes.  And, it's true.  I miss Courtney and Chris's shoes in my house.  I miss when Courtney and Chris are not in my house.

Chris is in my house sleeping in his old room tonight down the hall.  I know he's there asleep, but even more than that, I can feel him here.  My husband and I have had several discussions over the past year about Chris being transgender.  We've discussed how it would feel when he began to appear more male than female.  We've discussed how we would feel if/when he grew facial hair, underarm hair, leg hair.  We've discussed how we would feel when his voice deepened and his shoulders grew wider.  These discussions took place many, many months ago and since those discussions, all of these things have happened and ... we don't discuss any of those things anymore.  Mostly what we discuss is ... "When are they coming home?  When is Chris coming home to visit?"

Chris is in my house sleeping in his old room tonight down the hall.  His shoes are near the front door ...

Where is the Place Where Everyone is Happy?

I am often lost.  I wish I was not so lost

I had 2 baby girls that I loved

Then I had one girl

And one girl who was lost

I wish it was easy to say that I gave one girl away to some place where that girl found another place where she was happier

It is not easy for a mother to give her child away ... even to a happy place

She wants very badly to give her child the space to be happy

It is the most difficult thing this mother has ever done ...

I Would Have Wished For Eagles ...

Can you imagine yourself living in a world where you could only survive if you conformed?

My children have grown up with a mother (and father) who defies conformity.  Maybe it comes from an innate need to rebel on my part.  Maybe it comes from an innate need to defy.  Maybe it comes from living life to some degree to where you are aware and convinced that conforming to some "norm" is boring or useless or futile or ridiculous or harmful to your own survival.  I believe, for me, it is this last reason.  It is harmful to my own survival - conformity.

Walk in the midst of everyone, but pave your own path, somehow, to a life that is unique only to you - that is how I live my life.  It is not how everyone lives their lives.  It is not how my children live their lives.  My children have an innate confidence that, no matter what or how they choose to live their lives, they will survive and prosper.  My children live outside of conventional lines.  I watch them and see that the choices they make are unique and specific to their own happiness.  I watch and see that they pay the price, as I sometimes do, to live lives of nonconformity.  I watch and see how people look to them and even emulate them, because others see that these children of mine venture and fly without boundaries.

If I could have defined the children I wished for before they were born, I would have wished, "I want eagles.  I will love and cherish a sparrow, but I want eagles.  I want the strongest and most able.  I want leaders and not followers.  I want strength and wisdom and wings on my children that span so wide they cast shadows on anything and everyone that would ever attempt to defy or harm them.  I want them to be kind and Godly and generous.  I want them to know their worth and use every ounce of their potential to make their worth known to the world.  I want eagles."

It takes an eagle to spawn an eagle.  I am thankful my children were and are strong enough to fly out from beneath the shadow I cast, to fly and soar and cast their own shadows of love and defiance, because they are everything I would have wished for.

Chloe was the first born of our twins, but the meeker of her and her sister; somehow in a shadow of many things that drowned her spirit and identity for many years.  Through strength and wisdom and turmoil and determination ... Chris has emerged out of all shadows, to define his own worth.  This ... I did not do.  This ... he did with his own strength and direction.  This ... is the eagle I would have wished for ...

Love is a Battlefield

I was thinking today about two particular friends of mine who found out recently that each has a child who is gay and how they both describe the difficulty their families are going through.  When these individuals told me their stories, I did not offer them my story to maybe, in some way, lighten their load, as I have come to learn that during these sorts of times there is really not much anyone can say to pull you from the fear you are experiencing to the point that you will believe that things will get better or things could be worse, even though both are true.

I say, "things could be worse" because it's sometimes the only way you can optimistically deal with a situation you truly believe is the worst thing that could happen to you.  Very often, parents feel that finding out their child is gay is among one of the worst things they can imagine happening to them.   Pretty often, I can imagine, parents who find out their child is transgender are pretty convinced that things could not be much "worse" (take it from me).  In both cases, there are worse things.  Losing a child to death is worse.  Losing a child through alienation is worse.  Losing a child to a drug addiction is worse.  Having a child experience unrelenting depression is worse.  Having a child who is living with disease is worse.  There are many worse situation I believe we, parents of gay or transgender children, could experience with regard to our children. Sometimes you truly do not become aware of what you believe is a potentially worse situation until you move through the stages of denial, anger, fear, mourning, sadness and finally reach acceptance of a thing that threatens you.

A mother of a transgender child might look to a mother of a gay child and know that things could be worse for her.  And a mother of a heroine addicted child might look to a mother of a transgender child and know that things could be worse for her.  A mother who has lost her child to cancer might look to a mother of a heroine addicted child and know that things could be worse for her.  Losing a child to death is, in my opinion, the worst, because it just is and because with all the other mothers there is still hope.  Hope that their children will find happy, healthy and productive lives - free of drugs, living a happy gay life, being a complete and fulfilled transgender individual in society.

So often, with gay or transgender children, parents will say, "I don't want for my child to have to live this difficult life."  First of all, there is some truth in that, but mostly that is a cop-out.  I think parents don't want to live a life such as these that they didn't plan for or hope for or imagine.  Secondly, I have come to learn that the alternative for these children is far worse - living a life of lies, living with depression, living in secret, living in sadness, not really living at all but just trying to survive, and that is no way for anyone to have to live.

Everything in life is relative.  I often say to friends or family who are in a stressful situation that they are analyzing to death; rambling on and and on and mapping out for weeks and weeks in advance every scenario possible to reach a potentially possible solution, blah, blah, blah ... I say, "Wait a minute.  A lot can happen between now and tomorrow.  Things you can not plan for that could change this situation in an instant."  And this is how the feelings are with gay and transgender children.  So much can happen to turn your sadness to happiness.  So much can happen to turn your refusal to acceptance.  So much can happen to turn your anger to calmness.  So much can happen that you never imagined or planned, both negative and positive, but you have to go through it - for your child - with as much compassion and love as you can find within yourself.

It is not only not the worst thing ... it might become such a part of you that it becomes one of your very favorite things if you give it a chance.  With Chris, one of the things about him being transgender that I have fallen in love with is his many transgender (and gay) friends that I have come to know. The thing I am most drawn to is how different they are from everyone else - different in an "outside the box" kind of way - different in a "they will survive no matter what" kind of way - different in a "if you watch them long enough, you are privileged to see them move out of darkness and into light right before your eyes; move from sadness to happiness by taking extraordinary measures to change their lives.  They are warriors.  

Life is a battlefield.  Love is a battlefield.  I, for one, am glad that I am now on the battlefield with my child as he continues to fight and secure his happiness.  If your child was fighting cancer, where would you be?

How Long Can Hate Hold a Thing Together?

Chris has been on testosterone for a year now. He's changing rapidly before my eyes.  I've had many chances to think about how I feel about his changes because I have seen many of the stories in recent weeks where he posts about his progress on several social medias.  It seems so odd to me that not much surprises or shocks me anymore about Chris being trans.  Somewhere along this year's journey I grew at ease and became completely accepting.  I seldom ever call Chris by his birth name, Chloe, anymore.  I do, however, occasionally still refer to Chris and Courtney as "the girls" when talking about them in a mutual sense.  One day that will stop.

I have had people comment that I'm a good mother and part of the reason they say that is because of how they see me with Chris's journey, how they have seen our family adjust and become supportive. I wish, often, I was a better mother.  I wish I had been there for so many years when Chris was really struggling, but I wasn't.  It might seem to some that Chris, and all of us, are in the most difficult times now, but I don't see it that way.  When I see and am around Chris, I feel and see that he is coming into more of the person he needs and desires to be and I see and sense thrill and happiness.  When I read what Chris writes about where he is now in his journey in relation to where he came from many, many months ago, I know he is so much closer to piecing so many puzzle pieces of his life together and that makes me happy.  Chris has documented a lot of his journey (on YouTube and such) and when I watch the older videos, it is clear how very unhappy he was, but also clear that he saw the vision for his future - a vision I was so blind to seeing for a very long time.

Chris is also in the lengthy process now of legally changing his name from Chloe Nicole Rhodes to Christopher Nicholas Rhodes.  I mentioned this to my mother recently and I could sense her sadness. Some things still surprise and shock her, as they do other people, I am sure.  I believe that it was when I stopped running from Chris and hiding behind my fears and mourning that that was when I was able to recognize all that was really going on.  I was able to do this for many reasons, but the most important of those reasons was by being around Chris and his twin sister, Courtney, (who is his biggest advocate and friend) and by being around Chris's friends, and especially many of his trans friends. These people who love and support and respect Chris helped me become more loving and less fearful.  Being around Chris and his friends also helped me see Chris being happy.

A few weeks ago my mother pulled me aside at a family gathering and told me about a friend of hers (that I also know) who has a daughter a little bit younger than Chris who recently told her parents that she is also trans.  My mother described how distraught and scared this girl's parents are and what a difficult time they are going through.  My mother told her friend that she and I should maybe talk - that it might help talking to another mother who is experiencing this same thing with her child.  This other mother's situation is different than mine, as her child is her child, but ... my advice to her would be ... "Do not spend excessive amounts of time trying to figure out what went wrong or how you might change what is going on, because you likely can not change it and nothing, you could control, went wrong.  Mourn your own dreams for as long as you need to, but do not alienate your child in the process.  Listen more than you talk.  Hug when you want to run.  Believe this is not the worse thing that could ever happen to you, because it is not.  Believe it will get better, because it can.  Believe your child knows more about themselves than you do.  Believe that if/when this brings your child happiness that all the tears you shed for yourself will be worth it.  Believe."

If I could go back to 15 months ago when I found out my child was trans, and give my own self advice ... it would be these exact same things.  Chances are I wouldn't have listened.  Chances are I would have still wandered around in a dark place for far too long feeling fearful and angry and sorry for myself, as those emotions are often very seductive and addictive, especially if you are emotionally vulnerable and presented with a situation you have no control over, but ... love is easier and fighting builds only walls.

One of my favorite quotes from a favorite show of mine is ... "How long can hate hold a thing together?"  The answer is not as clear as it at first might seem, but logic suggests that eventually something or everything will shatter.  Love is what holds me to Chris.  Love is what holds our family together.  Love is what is getting Chris to where he needs to be ...