This Journey is a Mountain

I call him Chris all the time.  Occasionally I will slip and say "she", but not often.  I have called him "my son" twice, but only in writing.  It's still a difficult thing for me to do, even though I hear Chris's siblings refer to him as their brother and it doesn't seem all that strange to me, while I do notice when they refer to him this way.

I often refer to this journey I am on with Chris as climbing a mountain, and that is often the way it feels - following behind Chris, navigating each step up a steep slope and trying your best not stumble for fear you might tumble all the way to the bottom - unsure that if that were to happen if you'd get back up and drudge up that mountain again or just sit down and give up.  There were many times over the past many months that I considered giving up, but I never did and even though I often lag way behind Chris on his journey, I have him in sight right in front me, and that's something, because this child has hoped that his family would support and believe in him, but I know very well that if we had not, he would have gone on up the mountain alone if that's what it meant to reach the top.

We talk about Chris's top surgery now pretty easily.  I haven't spoken to Chris in detail about his fears, though - maybe it's because I'm hoping he has none - maybe it's because I think that if I do not mention such things then he will believe I am not afraid and then that will help him not to be afraid - maybe I am afraid to hear his fears.  Because Chris is transgender, and I follow Chris and some of his transgender friends on Instagram, lots of pictures pop up in my Instagram feed of many transgender people (if you "like" a lot of cat pictures, a lot of cats show up in your feed - haha) and many of those pictures are of FTM (female to male) individuals who post pictures of their before and after surgery photos, so ... I know what it looks like - the surgery, but I do not know what it must feel like - before or after, for these people.

I need to talk to Chris about his fears and his hopes.  I need to make a point to do that and not just assume he is okay with all of it; not needing to talk about it.  I need to catch up to Chris on this mountain and make him stop long enough to tell me how he feels and, also ... I need get over my fear of calling him my son ...

He Inspires So Many People ...

Chris is scheduled to have top surgery in January. Because this surgery is expensive, Chris has a fundraising account where he is trying to raise the funds on YouCaring ((https://www.youcaring.com/chris-rhodes-616745).  I've been sort of following the progress of his fundraiser to see if he is near reaching his goal of $5000.00 and so far it is going well.  When people make a donation for him, they are allowed to leave comments with their donation and I have spent this evening reading through the comments of the many people who have sent him money for his surgery.  Here are a few examples of the sort of comments he receives:

"You've always been so awesome and inspiring! Even back in high school when we were all incredibly awkward. I wish you the best Chris!"

"Chris, you inspire me every day and im so happy for you. Im glad that i can help you achieve your next goal, i hope one day i can be as cool as you are. I LOVE YOU BRO!"

"Ive recently been struggling with my gender identity and debating the possibility of transitioning. Mostly fearing that the people in my life would not be able to accept me. Finding your blog was one of my biggest inspirations you showed me that I should be proud of who I amand shouldn't be afraid to hide it. I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's not much because of my broke college student status, but I hope that it helps at least a little."

"You are a big inspiration to me and many other people. I hope you meet your goal and are able to live freely and comfortably in your body. You have inspired me to come out and embrace who I really am and I cannot thank you enough for that. Keep on doing your thing!"

"You make me want to be a better person. Keep inspiring people. The world needs more people like you"

"Hey Chris! Good luck with your surgery. Thank you and your sister for being awesome role models for the lgbtqa+ community and human beings in general. Much love!"

"Hey you, I hope this helps! Thank you for all the help and hope you bring to our community!"

"I know I'll need help with the cost of my own surgery one day. I don't have much to offer, but you're truly inspiring. Keep doing what you do, Chris."

"Thanks for being such a great friend to my son Sage. Good luck on your fundraiser! By the way, you look fantastic, Chris!"

"Hey Chris! I've been following your transition since before you started your medical transition, and you've been a huge inspiration in my life in who I strive to be. This is all I can scrape up right now as I am also trying to save money for my surgery, but I'll be back here and there to donate a bit more. Good luck, man. So happy for you."

"Hey Christopher! Here's a little something to help you reach your goal. I was so touched by you and your sister's outreach to the Trans community to help guys with their gender confirming surgeries by donating part of the sales to help them since you started in 2014. Congratulations you will get there bro! Thanks also for all you do!"

"The man that inspired me to finally come out to my family and be open and proud of who I am as a trans guy. I'll donate as much as I can every pay check to help."


I was so touched by the amount of people who say that Chris has inspired them.  I know that Chris and Courtney do a lot to help the LGBTQ community through their company FLAVNT Streetwear, and Courtney is mentioned in many comments, as well, but I am coming to see and learn that Chris, himself, has used his life, his company, his social media exposure to help guide and positively influence other transgender individuals on their own journeys.  

I'm so proud to see the good things Chris is doing to help other people.  My parents taught me to treat people the way you want to be treated and I tried to teach each of my children this same lesson.  Sometimes you will receive hate for your success or for your accomplishments, but keep your eye on the path in front of you and your good deeds and hard work will pay off.  I know that Chris and Courtney, both, have been the victims of hate many times on social media (especially and primarily, sometimes, from the very community they support) but they continue to stay true to who they are, push forward with their ideas and projects for their company and their perseverance through it all has proven over and over again that they will succeed, survive and flourish, with many, many good people behind them.

I'm very proud to be the mother of a child that people look to for inspiration.  I'm very proud Chris is my son.

This Transgender Child Is a Part of Me ...

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine being the mother of so many children who depend on you?

Can you imagine being the mother of gay children?

Of a transgender child?

I told some people tonight ... I have twins ... I said they were gay twins ... twins who are gay ... and then ... I said, "One is transgender."

You do this.

You reach a point where you tell people without shame or fear or care.  You tell them because it is your child's reality - it is your reality - it is what you and your children are about.

I never feared what people thought, yet it has and was and is a difficult thing to divulge.  My child is transgender.  It is difficult because you do not know how the world will perceive this thing.

Most people don't ask questions.  Maybe it is because I offer the information easily.  I hope that is the case.  I hope they hear my words -  know what it means just by hearing my words.  They do not need to feel that it is anything more than what I feel it is, yet you have to know that they wonder.

I have no shame.  I have no fear.  In many ways, I have pride I never imagined I would feel.

I told people tonight that I have a transgender child and ... I am at ease with them knowing this amazing child is a part of me ...

Stones and Ropes ...

I don't climb mountains.

I don't even hike tall hills.

I imagine that I could do both of these things, if I had to.

At the top of a hill or a mountain, I would be winded.  I would be exhausted.  I would be bent over, catching my breath.  Then ... I imagine ... I would stand at some point and see the view.  And breathe. And then smile.  And then raise my hands up to the sky and twirl around because I finally reached the top of the thing that tried so very hard to defeat me.

That is what it must be like to be searching for who you are meant to be.  A climb.  A climb to the very top of a thing that tries so hard to defeat you.

I think that is where Chris is now ... on the top of a mountain that tried to defeat him ... but was not strong enough to avalanche the hopes in his life ...

I was one of the hopes.

Many are the hopes.

Some ... throw ropes ...

Some throw stones ...

I threw stones and ropes and stones and ropes ...

Now ... I climbed that mountain and stand at the top, raising my hands to the sky and I twirl and twirl and twirl with hope and energy and so much momentum that I hope that Chris sees me trying my very best to deflect so many of the stones thrown at him.

This mountain did not defeat me.

This mountain did not defeat me for him ...

Mercury Retrograde ...

This year has been hell for my family; for a lot of people.  Some say that September was going to bring wrath for many because of (astronomy) Mercury Retrograde.  I don't have any idea what that really means, but I do know that September sucked and October needs to be a lot better.

Because of many personal/family issues going on, I haven't had much energy to devote to Chris's worries, as of late.  I know he has top surgery planned for January and is in the process of trying to raise the funds through crowd-funding (https://www.youcaring.com/chris-rhodes-616745).  I know the prospect of finally getting his surgery should be a happy time and not a stressful time.  I wish things were so different right now for all of us.

When we first learned of Chris being transgender, I remember adamantly telling my husband, "I don't know where he will get the money to pay for any surgeries, but we are NOT helping."  That was back when I didn't realize what it all really meant or where I would be, emotionally, a year out from making such a statement.  I don't like the idea of Chris removing his breasts, but I know that it is something he needs to do to survive in his own body.  Above all else, I need Chris to survive.

The other day, my youngest daughter, Alexis, asked me if she was going to be able to go to Dallas with me for Chris's top surgery - as it is scheduled on a Wednesday; a school day.  She begged me - saying "I want to be there.  I have to be there for Chris."  I conceded and said she could go, as I agree that she should be there if she wants to. She has never questioned Chris's transition, his being transgender or his surgery - all she has ever been is supportive and caring.  I take pride in raising these children who care so much about each other.

I am not a negative person.  There are times when I feel shattered just like everyone else, but for some reason God has given me a personality or an innate sense of primal survival that constantly enables me to grasp onto hope to pull me to my feet and move forward.  That is what we are all doing right now - hoping for the best and working hard to put so many pieces together; for our family, for our friends, for each other.  For Chris.

I have a hard time blaming a planet for chaos people create or experience in their lives, but maybe it is so.  If it is so, then there is hope, because Mercury will eventually move and hopefully take the chaos with it ...