This Child of Mine

It was way earlier this year - after I had been told by Chloe that she intended to begin testosterone in January - after she had begun to go by the name Chris.  I said to him, "I am so angry you will never become the amazing woman I know you could be.  I am so angry you aren't giving her a chance."

I continue to be sad about that, but recently I watched an episode of The Kardashians and heard Bruce (Caitlin) Jenner say that he had spent his whole life hiding the girl inside of him away and that it was time to let her live.  It was at this moment, nearly 8 months into this journey for me, that I could actually see the lives of two individuals inside the body of my own child - whether I actually wanted to or not.  It was at this moment that I began to soften and believe I wasn't just losing something, but possibly gaining something, as well.

Chris recently taped a very intimate video of himself reading a letter to his younger self that he posted on social media .  In the video he recites that he spent a lot of years protecting and trying very hard to be a girl, but came to realize that it was the girl who was protecting him.  Chris' life has been a struggle on levels I am not even aware, as he and I never really spoke about his dysphoria until this year.  A friend of mine messaged me recently and said, "People don't just wake up one day and decide to change their gender," implying that the battle is very real and a long and difficult one. There are some traumatic events that happened in Chris' life that I question.  I wonder how much they truly affected how he gauged his worth - how he viewed relationships - how he came to believe or know that changing his gender - being a man and not a woman - would improve his life.  This is not an individual that showed signs from early on that he was unhappy being a girl - while he was always a tom-boy (but so was I, and look at me now) and intensely involved with athletics and such.  Not to mention that Chris and Courtney are mono-amniotic twins (the rarest type of identical twins) - alike in every other genetic way possible, and yet Courtney is not transgender.  So when and where and how and why are the questions I constantly ask myself.  Which always leads me to the ultimate question of, is this a choice where Chris is concerned?  Which, as the mother to this child, leads me to worry if it is the right or the wrong choice.

All I believe at this point is that it is a choice - a choice of survival, if nothing else.  Chris has been unhappy with the image he sees in the mirror to the point that he will one day remove his breasts in addition to taking the testosterone.  He already wears binders around his breasts and other devices to help him look and feel male.  These are changes and choices I can't even truly comprehend, but I am trying my best to deal with every day.

Chris will never be the amazing woman I imagined he could be and that saddens me, but the amount of strength and courage it is taking him to make this change will inevitably make him an equally amazing man.  This is one thing I know for sure of this child of mine.