It's a metamorphoses, this journey. The watching of a human being you love transform themselves from something they reject to something they desire or need to be. The watching of yourself move from a fear-filled place to a place of acceptance and supportive. A transition. A transformation. An evolution. None of which can occur easily on anyone's part. None of which can occur easily if the involved parties are unwilling or unable to allow change. None of which can occur without strength or sense of direction. None of which can occur, to a desirable place, without ... love.
I'm around Chris a lot these days, and I can not be around him without thoughts constantly still crossing my mind.
When we are in a public place and he wanders away, I wonder, "Is he using the men's restroom?" I know he is, but I seldom witness him entering or emerging from any. I still have a sense of fear for him. A sense of awe. A bit of anxiety for him and about this.
When someone refers to him as "Sir", I wonder, "Does that feel strange or right to him? Does it make him happy?" I know it must make him happy, as there is little confusion now and he is male passing, and that's the goal, after all.
I know FTM (female-to-male) transgender individuals wear packers and I often wonder, "How does it feel? What does it look like? How does it work?"
I sometimes hear Chris's voice from another room and I think, "His voice is growing so deep. Will there come a day when I forget, altogether, what he used to sound like?"
When I started writing on this blog, documenting my feelings in the early months, I often said that I feared losing Chloe and that I feared I would never allow her to "die" or be taken away from me. I honestly believed that there was something inside of me that would never let her go, and yet, in so many ways, it appears that she is gone. I think, early on, I was afraid to let her go, even if it meant saving Chris, because I loved her so much, but also because I did not believe anything or anyone could replace her or be as special to me as she was and I did not want anything about her to change. I did not want to believe there was anything wrong with the child I gave birth to and nurtured - the child I taught and raised - the child I thought was perfect. What I have learned is that by allowing Chris to become who he needs to be, I did not have to leave Chloe behind, because it was and is the love I have for Chloe that enabled me to let Chris leave what he did not like about her behind.
I do not see Chris as Chloe anymore, nor do I have anger or sadness that he changed her. The way it feels to me now is ... Chris did not like things about Chloe or see her the way I did, but he has taken all the very best parts of her to become Chris. He does not look or sound like Chloe anymore, but she is still walking this journey with us. Without Chloe's heart and strength, I do not believe Chris would be surviving and thriving and I do not believe if I allowed her to completely die or fade into some sad place that I would be able to walk this journey with Chris. I'm not saying that I want Chloe back or that I am living with some belief that she is hidden or something. What I am saying is that Chloe lives inside of Chris and I don't need her to be as she was to me, because I have all the pictures and memories of who she was, and now, because of my deep love for her, I am living and seeing who she was meant to be, in spite of me, in spite of everything.
Chris.
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