This Journey is a Mountain

I call him Chris all the time.  Occasionally I will slip and say "she", but not often.  I have called him "my son" twice, but only in writing.  It's still a difficult thing for me to do, even though I hear Chris's siblings refer to him as their brother and it doesn't seem all that strange to me, while I do notice when they refer to him this way.

I often refer to this journey I am on with Chris as climbing a mountain, and that is often the way it feels - following behind Chris, navigating each step up a steep slope and trying your best not stumble for fear you might tumble all the way to the bottom - unsure that if that were to happen if you'd get back up and drudge up that mountain again or just sit down and give up.  There were many times over the past many months that I considered giving up, but I never did and even though I often lag way behind Chris on his journey, I have him in sight right in front me, and that's something, because this child has hoped that his family would support and believe in him, but I know very well that if we had not, he would have gone on up the mountain alone if that's what it meant to reach the top.

We talk about Chris's top surgery now pretty easily.  I haven't spoken to Chris in detail about his fears, though - maybe it's because I'm hoping he has none - maybe it's because I think that if I do not mention such things then he will believe I am not afraid and then that will help him not to be afraid - maybe I am afraid to hear his fears.  Because Chris is transgender, and I follow Chris and some of his transgender friends on Instagram, lots of pictures pop up in my Instagram feed of many transgender people (if you "like" a lot of cat pictures, a lot of cats show up in your feed - haha) and many of those pictures are of FTM (female to male) individuals who post pictures of their before and after surgery photos, so ... I know what it looks like - the surgery, but I do not know what it must feel like - before or after, for these people.

I need to talk to Chris about his fears and his hopes.  I need to make a point to do that and not just assume he is okay with all of it; not needing to talk about it.  I need to catch up to Chris on this mountain and make him stop long enough to tell me how he feels and, also ... I need get over my fear of calling him my son ...