Three Beating Hearts

I will write many times about Chris being an identical twin.  Honestly, I don't know how to ever forget this thing I feel so in love with, and feel is and has been so much a part of his and his sister's identity.  If someone were to ask me what I believed was one of the greatest gifts ever given to me, it would be my twins.  If someone were to ask me what I believed was one of the greatest gifts ever given to Chris (and Courtney), it would be his twin.  From the moment they were born - the rarest type of identical twins - mono-amniotic twins - one egg that splits and the babies share the same amniotic sac and are able to touch each other in the womb, and they share the same placenta - a type of twins where the mortality rate is extremely high for one or both twins because of these reasons - I knew they were special. When my doctor delivered them by C-section a month early, he found that they tied their umbilical cords in a knot and announced to my husband and I that when they got to be 18 that we should take them to Vegas, because they were lucky babies.  After delivering the placenta, he found that one of the umbilical cords had detached from the placenta and was attached by just a few blood vessels.

I didn't know they were mono-amniotic twins for a while after their birth.  I didn't even know, for sure, they were identical; while they looked very much alike.  It was (and remains, I'm sure) the procedure, at the time, to send off the tissues and placenta from the birth to a lab to determine the type of twins and then the results were given to us about a month after their birth.  It wasn't that they were mono-amniotic or identical twins that made me believe they were so special.  I believe all twins are special; lucky.  To come into the world with another person is a unique and grace-filled beginning.  As so, it was my belief that nurturing their twin-ship was, not only, a huge responsibility, but a privilege.  My husband and I did our best to always nurture the bond they were born with and prayed and hoped they would grow to realize how lucky they were to have the other and always love each other immensely.  If there was anything we did right, with regard to Chris and Courtney, it was this, as they were and still remain very close - are the best of friends and each other's closest companion.

When my son was little, around three-years-old, he often would say to me, "Momma, where are The Courtney's?" as he could not tell his sisters apart.  It was cute then and funny now, but, in some ways, it represents so many mistakes we all made.  Looking back on all of it now, I know I put their twinship above their individual identities, and because I did that, many other people did, as well.  It was not intentional on my part, at all, as I had no idea what I was doing; raising kids/raising babies. Now I know what a fine line it is - the nurturing of an individual in a twin relationship.  I wish I knew then what I know now, as, I don't care what anyone says, logic tells me that, while being a twin to Courtney is one of Chris' greatest gifts, it was also possibly his greatest nemesis, because somewhere in his childhood he lost his identity and logic tells me that it is impossible to dismiss that that might have occurred because he was/is an identical twin.  Or, maybe, it was me who was really Chris' greatest nemesis.

Reading this, some might think I am searching for a place to place blame for Chris being transgender. It is not my intent to define this situation as one where there is "blame" to be placed - it is only my intent to document the thoughts and internal analysis I have had regarding Chris' dysphoria.  I am not blaming anything or anyone, but I totally believe that if a person finds themselves struggling with certain issues, such as anorexia, for example, it is very possible that external and environmental (as well as, in some cases, biological predisposition) experiences can and might influence an individual's insecurities and beliefs about themselves in a negative way.  Do I want to know where and when and how and why this has happened to Chris?  Absolutely.  Will I ever completely understand or conclude anything that answers all of these questions?  Not likely.  Chris is transgender.  I am coming to accept that as the new road we are on with him to make his life whole and complete.  But it does not keep me from wondering and asking questions.

When I was pregnant with Chloe and Courtney I would go into the doctor for examinations and monitoring, as all pregnant women do.  The doctor would check many things, including my heart beat.  And then he would search for and find the heart beats of two growing babies in my womb.  I was always so relieved when he found those heart beats, as it meant they were surviving inside of me. When they were born and I brought them home - so tiny and fragile - I kept them in a crib close to our bed at nights for many months so I could hear them easily and get up, from time to time, to check to make sure they were still breathing.  I was always relieved that I could feel their breaths and the hearts beating inside of their tiny chests, as it meant I was doing the right things to keep them alive. Somewhere along the line I think I lost track of their hearts because, now I know, I always saw them as mine - one of my greatest gifts from God and one of my greatest gifts to the world - and did not see them as two separate people apart from me and my selfish desires.

I have often said that they (and all of my children) are my heart. In so many ways, they are, but through this journey with Chris I am becoming so very aware I was not in tune at all with Chris' heart, because somewhere along the way, unbeknownst to me, it became broken ...