For years, Chloe and Courtney (identical twins) wore their hair long. One day while in college, Chloe cut her hair to her shoulders. I don't know if it was, at the time, a way of differentiating herself from Courtney, but it did do that and people liked her new, shorter hair. Then, there came a day a while later, when Chloe cut her hair really short - more boy-like and began to wear it in different short styles. She drew even more attention and it was obvious to me that it was helping to build her self confidence and it served to help define Courtney and Chloe as complete and separate individuals.
When I look back on this - the cutting of the hair - I see it as the outwardly beginning to Chris' transition from male to female. While there were struggles going on inside of Chris that I was unaware of probably long before these changes, if I had to pin-point when things truly began to change, I would say it was when Chloe cut her hair.
Over the course of time after that I have come to learn that Chloe began to research information about dysphoria and transgender and came across a video that was a catalyst that would push her more and more toward changing her life. Chloe began to become more involved on Tumblr and found transgender individuals and communities who embraced her and supported and understood the feelings she had been experiencing - she found a home with people she could identify with and whom she learned from.
I had watched how entrenched Chloe became with Tumblr and the transgender community (this was before she came out to me in December, 2014 that she was transgender) and worried about it. My worry was that I had seen, over the course of a few years while she was in college, how her self-esteem seemed to be fragile and how she seemed to be striving to be different (than she was) and how she had bouts of anger and anxiety and depression - so when she began to gain an on-going, growing "fame" on Tumblr (and I only knew about this through others, as I was not on Tumblr) and was feeling the positive affects so much attention can give you, I wondered and worried if it was the abundance of attention from so many people on Tumblr that was feeding her desire to change herself. She was in a world none of us were intimately aware of. She was so different now than her twin sister, Courtney. She was writing poetry and through her writing and her new looks, she was (and continues) gaining a following like she had never experienced before. I wondered - I still do - if all of that attention and encouragement on Tumblr pulled her.
Looking at it now - seeing how confident and happy the changes Chris has made since going on testosterone and changing his name, I am conflicted about my thoughts. I see so much positive in Chris since he came out as transgender, but he is only twenty-three years old and he is only in the beginning stages of transition. He told me recently that he is not changing his gender; he says, "I identify as that gender so nothing is changing. I'm aligning my outside to match my inside. I've always been a boy, even before I knew it." Maybe this is true. I'm not a biologist or scientist or whoever it is that determines these things. All I know is I gave birth to identical twin girls and one of them is now transgender. I can sort of understand the thought process of saying, "I identify as a boy" - but to say, "I was always a boy," triggers a thousand questions that no one truly has the answer to - especially not me where my child is concerned.
Sometimes I think to myself, "What is the big deal? Let it be. So, he is a boy and not a girl - he is still your child and your love for him has not changed. Why do you struggle so with this? Let it go."
If you make a choice in life or a change or a decision or alter something - especially drastically - there will be results and consequences. Because my mind does and always has worked in an analytical way (I fricken analyze EVERYTHING!), I analyze this. I wish I could let my fears go, but logic tells me not to be stupid because this is my child. If we, as parents, threw our hands up and just let things go that our children did that we worried about or did not agree with, we would give up on most every issue. I believe it is not only my job to work through the fears and worries (even if it is only in my own head) but, also, why wouldn't I? I fear the choice is wrong - even if one day I might conclude it is right. It is not my choice to make, so I keep my fears and worries and opinions mostly to myself, but it does not dismiss them.
Chris is twenty-three years old. Maybe it is not until you reach 1/2 a century old that you truly realize how young that is. In addition to all the obvious and stated struggles I have with Chris' transition and identifying as transgender, maybe my greatest fear is that this will not be the answer that makes him finally and truly happy. I really hope it is - because that is all I really want and why I continue to try to understand and embrace this difficult journey my child is on ...
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
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