About the time you think you're prepared for anything that can and will happen, something new comes along that shakes you, even if it's just a little bit. I go along just fine these days; believing I am accepting and supporting Chris, and then I see or hear something like this that rattles me. Maybe it's because there are still parts of me that remain in denial. Maybe it's because I just can't wrap my head completely around some things - like the fact that Chris wears binders to flatten his breasts (until he can have surgery) and wears "packers" (Google "packers for transgender" if you want to know what these are) so he feels and appears more male. I understand the need for Chris and transgender individuals to do these things, but they are still concepts and practices that are foreign to me.
When I saw Chris on this Instagram page representing for a men's brand of underwear, it was like I didn't even know him, as it was something I didn't realize he was doing, but also because there were tons of other models (transgender), as well, and there among them was Chris - my child ... who I have always known as girl until this past year.
I was talking to Courtney the other day about a transgender female friend they have that I saw in a picture. I said, "Is she trans? She's really pretty." Courtney said, "Yes, someone we knew back in high school that we're still friends with." I said, "So, she use to be a boy?" Courtney said, "Yes, but you shouldn't say that. That's not correct. That's not how they see themselves." But wasn't she once a boy? And wasn't Chris once a girl?
I don't know all the politically correct ways to refer to transgender people yet. I'm learning new things everyday. I'm constantly finding that I tip-toe around the words and constantly find myself making mistakes that I am being corrected on. I understand that Chris and other transgender individuals want and need for us and for me to be informed and educated and accurate when we are referring to them or are in the process of learning, but I become discouraged and hurt and even angry when I am constantly being told that I said this wrong or did that wrong, especially with regard to Chris, and especially because I am trying so hard. It is not my intent or desire to be and remain ignorant regarding the ways of transgender people. I wish my mind would just click over to that place where I always say and know the right things to say and do. Sometimes I refer to Chris as "she" and don't even realize I do it. It's just a habit I am trying very hard to break, but I am finding it is harder to quit than heroine - this reconditioning my brain to do the thing I sincerely want to do, but it just seems to find the old, practiced way easier to remember.
I know that being transgender offers Chris many obstacles and challenges every day - most, I probably can't even begin to imagine how difficult, but I sometimes wonder if Chris and others are truly aware of how difficult the challenges have been for me. And I wonder if he and other transgender individuals realize the many, many changes we, as their parents, go through to adjust, learn and accept these changes that shock us, scare us and confuse us so much of the time.
The amount of strength it takes a mother to be at ease with this thing is enormous. As much patience as a mother has to find in herself to learn it all and accept it all is the same amount of patience the child should require of themselves to deal with that mother when she sometimes fails at succeeding ...
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