You Can Not Possibly Know

I heard my husband stand our ground tonight.

You can't possibly know what it's like to be an advocate to a transgender child - to a transgender person - unless they impact your life.  Unless you become a part of their lives. Unless you understand their lives.  Unless you move from that place where you are removed and moved into their world.

Was there a time when we were remote from such things?  From the world of transgender people?  Yes.  All of our lives we were remote - removed - untouched.  Not now.  Not anymore.  We have a child who is transgender.  A child who suffered from gender/identity dysphoria.  A child who struggled to find her way past a thing that was killing her to a place where she became a he person that made him safe and okay and different than the person my husband and I understood or imagined but eventually accepted because what choice do we have but to make this child okay in his world.

We

had

two

baby

girls

who

were

and

are

identical

twins

but

one

needed

another place to survive

beyond what we thought we understood as safe

she left what we gave her behind

and that is what hurt her father and I

but ...

she created and nurtured something else

someone else

on her own

without us

someone just as good

someone just as strong

and as important

and special

maybe even more so

than what we created.

It's hard

to change

of a thing

that we felt

was perfect.

We thought it was perfect

but we have learned

it was not.

Now it is ...

Now it is ...

Now he is ... <3

A Million Diamonds

I've become comfortable.  It's that end stage of a thing that made you uncomfortable for whatever reasons.  I had my reasons, as a mother to a transgender child.  I felt I had a lot of reasons.

I faced a million questions - some I still have no answers to - some that still linger and haunt me - most that ultimately fell like a million un-cut diamonds out of my head and onto the path behind me.

I faced emotions that threatened to drown me in some dark place I truly never believed I'd climb out of.  But then I saw a light.

I faced demons that tested my strength of character, my strength of will, my strength of self-preservation, my strength of love.  I faced people who tormented me and people who guided me.  I somehow found the strength to battle the demons.

And then ... I faced myself, head on.

It's stages, like with any trauma you go through in your life - be it self-inflicted or brought on by circumstances beyond your control.  It's stages you move through - doubt ... fear ... anger ... sadness ... disbelief ... denial ... frustration ... confusion ... bitterness ... reflection ... mourning ... acceptance.

When I am in a situation now, where the subject comes up about Chris, I easily divulge the realities of our world.  Chris is transgender.  I don't offer the statement expecting anything.  As a matter of fact, I believe I almost always state this with a tone that says, "It's sort of an amazing thing."  A tone that says, "I am accepting and supportive."  A tone that says, "I am comfortable."  A tone that says, "Do not dare attempt to create a storm I have already weathered and survived."  A tone that says, "I am proud."

I sometimes think about how our life would be now if I had not ever reached this place of comfort.  I can say for certain I would have drowned and the demons would have beat me.  I would have lost Chris and maybe all of my family.  We want for all the questions in our heads to form into easy or wonderful answers so then they will fall into our hands like so many perfectly cut diamonds.  But life is not always about perfect diamonds or easy answers.

Someone said to me once a long time ago, "Be aware of how you treat your children because that is how others will treat your children."  That was the answer I found on a day last year when I finally let go of all the questions and demons and emotions that threatened Chris's survival and my own survival and I finally remembered ... I will love him comfortably and without pause, as I have always done, because I need, and he needs, everyone to love him comfortably and without pause.

My battle now is not with Chris or myself or with anyone, but ... the transgender community faces many obstacles in our society and if a battle comes where I am needed to stand beside Chris and others like him, I will be there on the front line to battle with him until everyone sees and recognizes my child's worth and rights.  The love I have for my child is a million times stronger and more powerful than anyone's hate or fear of him ... <3

Be Very Careful ...

I have lost some friends recently.

I will not condemn them for who they are.  I will only stand strong in my beliefs and behind the children who are mine and whom I love.

Be careful in this life about who you judge.  Be very careful to judge my children or me.  I am tolerant of many things, but I will never allow any other human being to decide if who my children are is "right" or if who I am is "right".  I am careful to allow for your beliefs and for you to express your beliefs ... until that day that your beliefs or your expressions harm me or anyone that I love.

I often question myself.  I often question where is the line of tolerance?  I want to love, even the intolerant, but how do I do that?  Do I allow for bigotry?  Do I allow racism?  Do I allow expression when it is hurtful and mean and destructive?  How do I love everyone even when they are filled with so much hate toward and about things and people that are so dear to me?

I have gay children.
I have a transgender child.

All I know is that I love all my children and I will do whatever it takes to protect them and their rights.

I will do whatever it takes to prevent anyone from harming them.

Even if it means losing friends and family.
Even if it means fighting governments.
Even if it means laying love down to pave a path for them.

Because, somewhere in all of this --- there is right and wrong and I believe that God, the God I know and love, knows that the meek will inherit the Earth.  The God I know and love ... loves my children. And my beliefs in my children and my love for my children is a thousand times stronger and more powerful than your hate for them ... <3