A Million Diamonds

I've become comfortable.  It's that end stage of a thing that made you uncomfortable for whatever reasons.  I had my reasons, as a mother to a transgender child.  I felt I had a lot of reasons.

I faced a million questions - some I still have no answers to - some that still linger and haunt me - most that ultimately fell like a million un-cut diamonds out of my head and onto the path behind me.

I faced emotions that threatened to drown me in some dark place I truly never believed I'd climb out of.  But then I saw a light.

I faced demons that tested my strength of character, my strength of will, my strength of self-preservation, my strength of love.  I faced people who tormented me and people who guided me.  I somehow found the strength to battle the demons.

And then ... I faced myself, head on.

It's stages, like with any trauma you go through in your life - be it self-inflicted or brought on by circumstances beyond your control.  It's stages you move through - doubt ... fear ... anger ... sadness ... disbelief ... denial ... frustration ... confusion ... bitterness ... reflection ... mourning ... acceptance.

When I am in a situation now, where the subject comes up about Chris, I easily divulge the realities of our world.  Chris is transgender.  I don't offer the statement expecting anything.  As a matter of fact, I believe I almost always state this with a tone that says, "It's sort of an amazing thing."  A tone that says, "I am accepting and supportive."  A tone that says, "I am comfortable."  A tone that says, "Do not dare attempt to create a storm I have already weathered and survived."  A tone that says, "I am proud."

I sometimes think about how our life would be now if I had not ever reached this place of comfort.  I can say for certain I would have drowned and the demons would have beat me.  I would have lost Chris and maybe all of my family.  We want for all the questions in our heads to form into easy or wonderful answers so then they will fall into our hands like so many perfectly cut diamonds.  But life is not always about perfect diamonds or easy answers.

Someone said to me once a long time ago, "Be aware of how you treat your children because that is how others will treat your children."  That was the answer I found on a day last year when I finally let go of all the questions and demons and emotions that threatened Chris's survival and my own survival and I finally remembered ... I will love him comfortably and without pause, as I have always done, because I need, and he needs, everyone to love him comfortably and without pause.

My battle now is not with Chris or myself or with anyone, but ... the transgender community faces many obstacles in our society and if a battle comes where I am needed to stand beside Chris and others like him, I will be there on the front line to battle with him until everyone sees and recognizes my child's worth and rights.  The love I have for my child is a million times stronger and more powerful than anyone's hate or fear of him ... <3