I Never Saw a Wild Thing ...

When talking about my transgender son, Chris, to friends or family, or talking about transgender or lesbian or gay topics to others (with regard to my children, as my daughter Courtney, Chris's identical twin sister, is a lesbian), I often see pity in people's eyes or hear it in their comments or questions when they talk to me. For a long while I indulged in their pity, as, honestly, I have spent a lot time feeling very sorry for myself and I sort of found myself using their pity to affirm the blackness and bleakness I was dwelling in.  I don't so much indulge in pity anymore, as I have chosen to make choices that are helping me to move away from that dark place that was drowning me, skewing my priorities and tainting my vision.

It's a choice - the moving on.  A conscious, on-going effort.  Eight months of living with the knowledge that my 23 year old daughter was going to, and now is, transitioning from a girl to a boy, I am still dealing with a certain amount of sadness and fear, but I have chosen to no longer allow myself to believe that Chris's situation was something that was done to me.  In the midst of many dark moments I have looked to this D.H. Lawrence poem to remind me that I need to be stronger. That I need to find a way to move forward.

Sometimes, especially when I drink too much wine and all of my defenses are down and my mind is foggy and my heart is vulnerable, a cry will come out of me from the mourning place in my soul and I just can't help it.  It feels a lot like self-pity, but I have come to realize that what it is is just sadness. There is a difference and I no longer scold myself for these moments when I shatter - I simply cry into my hands and hope one day I will cry all the sadness away.

I don't need pity from family or friends, I just need attempts at understanding, not only of Chris's situation, but of mine and of our family's.  Many supportive friends have commended Chris for being brave enough to change this thing in his life that he can not live with.  One day, when I get beyond myself completely, I believe I will begin to comprehend the number of thoughts it would take and the amount of courage a person would have to possess to change their gender.  

For now, I am still trying to survive the sadness of saying good-bye to my baby girl ...