I can remember when my sister had her first son and he was a toddler. We were talking with our mother about what we would do if any of our children were ever gay. Both my sister and I adamantly stated that we would love our children anyway. My sister's children are not gay. So far, my brother's children are not gay. I have twins who are both gay.
I went through some emotional times after finding out both of my twins were gay, but it was never a very difficult adjustment for me, for some reason - I adjusted pretty quickly and pretty easily. Maybe it's because they went off to college and really all that consumed me was how much I missed them. It's not because I was completely okay with it, because, honestly, I'm still not completely okay with it. It's not what I wanted for my girls. It's not what I wanted for me as their mother. I never got to experience them dating boys or dressing and being girly. I never got to experience how it would be for them to learn what it feels like to be with a man - love a man and have him love her. It's not how I believe things should be. I realize it is how things are, for whatever reasons, but I have my own beliefs of how I think things should be. I believe in God and I believe God made and intended females to be with males. I believe that love is love, but I also believe that desire for companionship and sex can encourage and be the catalyst that draws people to the same sex - just as it can and does for people to the opposite sex. I believe that very often that being gay is not biologically driven, but a choice. These are my beliefs.
Given all that - I put aside my beliefs and griefs and accepted that my twins were both gay, and I openly and willingly accepted and love their partners. I did this because I love my children and did not want to lose them. I did this because they were older and I would never sway them and they were free to make the choices in their own lives. In this situation, it was pretty simple - my choice was to accept it or lose them. I chose to keep them.
And then ... several years later ... Chloe professes that she has and does identify as a male and not a female and is transgender. People might wonder why it is so difficult to just accept and move on, like I did with the girls being gay. Maybe it is difficult because of that. Maybe you put aside yourself and your beliefs, sometimes, for others, to the point that you don't know where to draw from inside yourself to give more. Is your love for your child endless? Yes, but so are your fears for them. At what point are your fears more powerful and your will to survive, emotionally, more powerful than your love for anybody - even your child? I don't know. What I do know is that I am like a hamster in a wheel inside of a cage that is running so fast - trying to save myself as quickly as I can so that I can devote all my energy toward helping Chris.
When I was going through those years of the girls being gay I often told myself, "If this is the worst thing that ever happens - if this is as hard as it ever gets, then you and your children are lucky. It could be far harder and far worse." It was those thoughts that got me over the hurdles of them being gay. In addition to how happy they were and how much I loved and still love their partners.
I have even said this to other mothers who have found out their children are gay -- it is not the worst thing. Drugs are very difficult. Alcoholism is torture. Losing a child, due to alienation or death, is devastating. I have continued to remind myself of these things when I struggle with Chris being transgender. It could be harder than this.
You do not know how strong you are until God gives you a thing stronger than you are. People always tell you that God will not give you more than you can handle. I believe that. Even though the twins being gay and Chris being transgender is difficult (as well as many other things in my life), I have and continue to learn so many things - even, or especially, about myself. This is not just Chris' journey, this is my journey, too.
Someone said to me recently, "Do you really think all this drama is helping Chris at this time when, in truth, you should be 100% supportive and happy?" This statement came at the end of a very long comment this person left for me on a post I posted on fB back in May 2015 (which I will address in its entirety in another blog post). What would have been far more helpful than this judgement would have been if this individual had said, "Here - let me give you all the answers to your worries and concerns and fears - let me get inside your head and your life with this child that you have raised and loved and experienced for the past 23 years and sift through it all to the point that I know everything and I can now offer you a way to rid yourself of the anxiety and trauma and sadness so you can wake up tomorrow and be 100% supportive and happy." That would be helpful. Give me the answers.
The gay thing wasn't easy, but I got through it. This is harder. Will I get through it? Yes, I will get through it - I'm already getting through it. Will it be quick and easy and soon and to the point that I am 100% supportive and happy? I don't know. Well, I do know it won't be quick or easy, as I am nearly 9 months into this journey and still struggling, but I am not where I was 6 or 7 months ago when I cried nearly every day. I cried because I felt and feel loss. My twins have given and brought so much joy to my life, but, in some ways they have taken things away from me - as do all of our children, I think. I am forever balancing the positive and amazing things they have brought to my life with the few sad things and I always feel far more grateful for the good than I feel discouraged or hurt by the sad.
Yes, Chris' life and happiness are important, but somewhere in all this dynamics and twisted road is a tired hamster on a wheel inside a cage running as fast as she can ...
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