The Journey Begins

I am currently in the process of writing a book about the journey I am on and have been taking for the past couple of years with a daughter who is struggling with her identity.  The title of the book is Faces.  I wish I had had the strength and awareness 8 months ago to begin writing, as that is when this journey truly began for me, but it was not until now that I am emotionally strong enough or entrenched enough in this journey to formulate any sort of coherent thoughts or even considered that any thoughts or feelings I had or am having are relevant enough to write about.  After seeing the struggles I (and my family) have gone through, I have had many people suggest that I write a book about my experiences and struggles, from my point of view, from a mother's point of view.  A book about how it is for me to be living as the mother of a child who has, for many years, looked in the mirror and was not happy with the face she saw in the reflection.

From here on out I will refer to my daughter, Chloe, as Chris, as as of January 2015, he has begun to transition from female to male - taking on the new name of Chris (Christopher Nicholas), requesting that we refer to him as our son and using male pronouns when addressing or referring to him.  He also began taking testosterone.

Chris said to me recently that it seems as though I am on the outside looking through a window - removed.  I agreed.  I have come a long way in accepting this thing that everything inside of me wants me to reject and I have done my best in reaching some place right now where I am accepting of a situation I have no control over - including calling him by a name I did not give him.  I try to be involved even when it makes me sad or uncomfortable, and as much as I wish I could be, for him, I am not joyful or emotionally capable of being intimately involved right now ... and so I stand at the window and watch.  I don't run, however, like I sometimes want to.  Maybe one day I will be joyful, as he seems to be and is searching so bravely for.  I will only know when we reach the end of this journey.  For now, at the beginning, I need people to recognize the courage it is taking me to stand at that window and watch my girl child become a boy.

I do not intend to delve into documenting information about the trans community or about being trans; I wouldn't even know where to start - I will let Chris write that book.  I am writing a book about what it is like to be the mother - to be me.  People have said to me, "This is not about you."  I disagree.  I am the mother and this is my child and this is as much about me as anyone - and about so many other people in Chris's life.  Everyone who knows him, is touched by him, who is going through this transition with him, could have a story to write - especially his twin, Courtney.  I intend to write mine because, truthfully, it is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced and, while it has and does cause me a tremendous amount of sadness and pain, I am beginning to realize that being forced onto this path I did not or would not have chosen for Chris, myself or our family, I am learning a lot about myself and others - and about life. Everyday I wake up I have intentions of moving forward and being optimistic, but there are some days I take many steps backwards.  I am not only curious to see where Chris will end up in all of this (happier I hope), but I am very curious to see where I end up, as my hope is that I will soon be able to tear down the wall I have subconsciously built between us to protect myself.  But I honestly do not know.

Faces.  

Chloe's face.

Chris's face.

My face.