How Long Can Hate Hold a Thing Together?

Chris has been on testosterone for a year now. He's changing rapidly before my eyes.  I've had many chances to think about how I feel about his changes because I have seen many of the stories in recent weeks where he posts about his progress on several social medias.  It seems so odd to me that not much surprises or shocks me anymore about Chris being trans.  Somewhere along this year's journey I grew at ease and became completely accepting.  I seldom ever call Chris by his birth name, Chloe, anymore.  I do, however, occasionally still refer to Chris and Courtney as "the girls" when talking about them in a mutual sense.  One day that will stop.

I have had people comment that I'm a good mother and part of the reason they say that is because of how they see me with Chris's journey, how they have seen our family adjust and become supportive. I wish, often, I was a better mother.  I wish I had been there for so many years when Chris was really struggling, but I wasn't.  It might seem to some that Chris, and all of us, are in the most difficult times now, but I don't see it that way.  When I see and am around Chris, I feel and see that he is coming into more of the person he needs and desires to be and I see and sense thrill and happiness.  When I read what Chris writes about where he is now in his journey in relation to where he came from many, many months ago, I know he is so much closer to piecing so many puzzle pieces of his life together and that makes me happy.  Chris has documented a lot of his journey (on YouTube and such) and when I watch the older videos, it is clear how very unhappy he was, but also clear that he saw the vision for his future - a vision I was so blind to seeing for a very long time.

Chris is also in the lengthy process now of legally changing his name from Chloe Nicole Rhodes to Christopher Nicholas Rhodes.  I mentioned this to my mother recently and I could sense her sadness. Some things still surprise and shock her, as they do other people, I am sure.  I believe that it was when I stopped running from Chris and hiding behind my fears and mourning that that was when I was able to recognize all that was really going on.  I was able to do this for many reasons, but the most important of those reasons was by being around Chris and his twin sister, Courtney, (who is his biggest advocate and friend) and by being around Chris's friends, and especially many of his trans friends. These people who love and support and respect Chris helped me become more loving and less fearful.  Being around Chris and his friends also helped me see Chris being happy.

A few weeks ago my mother pulled me aside at a family gathering and told me about a friend of hers (that I also know) who has a daughter a little bit younger than Chris who recently told her parents that she is also trans.  My mother described how distraught and scared this girl's parents are and what a difficult time they are going through.  My mother told her friend that she and I should maybe talk - that it might help talking to another mother who is experiencing this same thing with her child.  This other mother's situation is different than mine, as her child is her child, but ... my advice to her would be ... "Do not spend excessive amounts of time trying to figure out what went wrong or how you might change what is going on, because you likely can not change it and nothing, you could control, went wrong.  Mourn your own dreams for as long as you need to, but do not alienate your child in the process.  Listen more than you talk.  Hug when you want to run.  Believe this is not the worse thing that could ever happen to you, because it is not.  Believe it will get better, because it can.  Believe your child knows more about themselves than you do.  Believe that if/when this brings your child happiness that all the tears you shed for yourself will be worth it.  Believe."

If I could go back to 15 months ago when I found out my child was trans, and give my own self advice ... it would be these exact same things.  Chances are I wouldn't have listened.  Chances are I would have still wandered around in a dark place for far too long feeling fearful and angry and sorry for myself, as those emotions are often very seductive and addictive, especially if you are emotionally vulnerable and presented with a situation you have no control over, but ... love is easier and fighting builds only walls.

One of my favorite quotes from a favorite show of mine is ... "How long can hate hold a thing together?"  The answer is not as clear as it at first might seem, but logic suggests that eventually something or everything will shatter.  Love is what holds me to Chris.  Love is what holds our family together.  Love is what is getting Chris to where he needs to be ...