Behind the Walls

I received a message from my sister the other day. She said, "Dad turned me on to your blog and I just wanted to share with you that you have the most amazing gift for writing and putting into words what your deepest self is feeling.  I only wish I could write that eloquently.  It is a gift and you are truly blessed with it."  This was just part of her message, but I wanted to share it because it meant so much to me.

When I began thinking about writing a book about my experience and feelings with regard to my transgender child, I debated (and still do) about whether or not it was a good idea.  I have had many people suggest I write such a book - many people who have encouraged me to say what it is like and how I feel.  The problem is, I don't want to hurt anyone - especially not Chris.  But ... just as my sister said, I tend to have a way with words and an innate ability to put my thoughts to paper in a way that people appreciate, and so I decided that it would be the best way for me to document this journey - for me, and for others to understand - through this blog and in writing a book.

Anyone who knows me well, knows how strong I am.  I suspect that it is the strength in me that causes people to expect complete and quick compliance and support for Chris.  My love and commitment to this child will never waver, not ever, but I am determined to make sure I maintain a certain amount of respect and care for myself though this journey, as well, and that involves making others understand (through my writing) that my feelings are real and difficult.  If I have to write every story and every feeling on a piece of paper then I will do that.

I ran into some friends yesterday at the grocery store - friends I know through Chris and Courtney, as they went to school with their daughter.  The wife hugged me and spoke to me about Chris and how much she loves him (and Courtney) and how her family is supportive.  She also relayed to me her concern for me - as a mother.  She said, as many mothers say to me, "As a mother, I feel your pain." She did not mean this as any disrespect to Chris, but as an acknowledgement to me that she could understand how difficult it could be.

My sister went on in her message to say that she was sorry my family and I, which is also her family, are going through this very difficult time and seemingly alone.  She said that she imagined I had a ton of friends that I probably confided in but wanted me to know that she was there for me and my family for anything we needed.  I confessed to her that I seldom talk to anyone about any of this unless they ask me questions or bring the subject up.  I don't know why I keep so much of it inside of me, build walls, but that is the way I handle most things.  Maybe it's not healthy, I don't know.  All I know is, I believe that I am my strongest person to help me get through this.  I think I don't want or need anyone to dissect the situation or my feelings anymore than I already have, nor do I require their opinions. This is between me and Chris - the battle that rages inside of me.  I'm certain he wishes it wasn't there and so do I, but it is, and I am the one who has to put this fire out.  I support Chris completely, as I have to and want to, but it is not easy for me.  And so ... I am writing about it and it is helping me. And ... I hope it will help others, too.

Behind all the walls I build is me and a million words - a lot of which I put in books I have written. I'm trying to tear down all the walls so I can be as close to Chris as possible. One way I am doing that is putting all the words and thoughts I have about all of this to paper ...