Wings of a Feather

I have a friend who has a niece who is also transgender.  Her niece transitioned from female to male several years ago - long before I was even aware that my daughter would come out in December of 2014 as transgender.  Over time, my friend and I had talked about her niece and the difficulties her transition caused in their family.  My friend had described, many times, how she and her husband, and so many in their family, had and were dealing with the niece with support and love and yet that sometimes did not seem to be enough for the niece.  My friend would describe the "anger" her niece had/has toward people that were not informed or were naive when it comes to transgender issues and the transgender community.  My friend would tell of how the niece would push and push for more acceptance, even when her family felt and believed they were being as accepting as possible in a very difficult and strange situation to them.  I would listen, from a distance, to my friend talk about her niece.  While I had met her niece several times, I did not really know her and have not seen her since she transitioned.

I mention this because I have encountered some of this with Chris.  Not so much the "anger", but a persistent desire on Chris' part for me to sort of educate other people.  While at a dinner not long ago, there were some individuals who mistakenly referred to Chris as "she".  It happens often - at parties, in family gatherings, when I slip up and forget.  Chris catches these slips and it wears on him, so much so that he often makes a point of telling me that I need to correct people.  This wears on me.  I do correct my husband when he slips now.  I correct family members when they slip.  But I am not comfortable correcting everyone.  When others slip, I immediately recognize the slip, but I do not feel it is necessary for me to educate everyone on what is going on with Chris.  Part of the process of Chris' transition, is people learning, mostly on their own and on their own terms, that he does not see himself as a "she".  There is a fine line for me between being Chris' advocate (as I have always been as his mother) and being the person who filters how people perceive and treat him.  I would not sit by and allow anyone to blatantly mistreat Chris, but I do not see other people's mistakes, or even their resistance to complete acceptance, if that be the case, as mistreatment.  In some cases, it feels to me, that if I were to correct people, it might alienate them further away.  If someone is aware that Chris is transgender and makes the mistake of calling him "she", very often they catch their mistake and correct it.  Sometimes they don't.  I guess it might seem to Chris that my not correcting people is sort of disrespecting him.  It's not that at all.  For a while it was uncomfortable for me when someone would use "him" and not "her" referring to Chris.  Now, I am more comfortable with that.  However, I am now at the point where it feels like we are in an "in-between" stage - where Chris was a girl in December but is now taking testosterone and transitioning to male, but has not fully transitioned, and therefore, it is logical to me that people would be confused.  Because of this I don't feel the need to correct their mistake.  People need time, just as I have needed time, to learn and be a certain way with Chris.

It's my belief that Chris has struggled tremendously with his identity.  We all have issues with our identity that we struggle with, on some level, so I can understand, to some degree, what it has felt like for him to look in the mirror and not be happy with the person he sees.  I would never suggest that I have experienced any sort of dysphoria, but I can comprehend Chris' struggle, if even on just a minute level.  And so ... I suspect that individuals with identity dysphoria who come out, finally, as transgender, who make that ultimate decision to transition - I suspect that once they have reached that part of their struggle, their journey, that they would want and need for others to fall quickly in line behind them in accepting and embracing the changes.  I suspect that once they reach the point of making the changes that they are, in some ways, at their strongest and weakest point in their lives, and because they have reached the point of making the hardest decision they will ever make, they need and want others to be completely and quickly supportive and informed, so as to not cause anymore trauma in their lives than necessary.

The problem is ... people seldom fall in line easily about anything.  The problem is ... people do not act or react in situations the way we always want.  This sort of situation is foreign to most people. Most people have no experience with transgender individuals or with how to deal with an individual who is transitioning.  The transgender community is growing in strength and numbers every day and that is a good thing for transgender individuals who need and want others to turn to and rely on for support and assistance and friendship.  For those of us who are outside of that community, it will take time, as with anything foreign to us, for us to learn.

Transgender individuals want and need our acceptance and support, but they can not, necessarily, expect either over night.  As much as they want our understanding, they, too, need to show understanding to those of us who are trying to learn and support them.  Our failing to call Chris "he" instead of "she" is not necessarily because we are resisting the change, but may be simply a momentary mistake.  It might be resistance, sometimes, on people's part, but resistance is their prerogative, and this, too, needs to be respected.  You can not demand that people accept something they refuse to accept.  I can understand Chris needing others to fall in line so as to insure a smooth transition for him, and I fear what it does to him when the acceptance and alliance does not come easily or quickly, but ... I have to believe that, like with most anything, if it's worth fighting for then it is worth it.  I have to believe that the amount of strength and courage it has taken Chris to get this far (with little help from anyone) that that same strength and courage will continue to carry him to a safe and happy place - even if he finds people continuously placing obstacles in his path along the way.

I see Chris at the top of his mountain, in some ways - ready to fly.  I can no longer stand at a distance, like I did with my friend's niece.  I am now traveling that same road, but even closer than my friend, as I am traveling it with my own child - watching as she sheds the feathers of one set of wings for another.  What I need to say to my child and even to my friend's niece is ... do not wait for what we do or say to give you additional strength, as you have done so much of the work on your own and it truly does not matter what others feel or think or say - you will fly if you give yourself the strength to fly ...