A Family Living Outside the Lines

When you find yourself in a room of people you might sit back and watch.  You might notice the clothes they are wearing.  You might listen to how they talk and what they are saying.  You might see certain people you would like to get to know and others you are sure you would have nothing in common with.  Most often, the situations you put yourself in where there are groups of people you do not know, you are comfortable even though you might be slightly uncomfortable because you subconsciously and mentally prepare yourself for what you might encounter in that situation, such as at a wedding.  You do not know who all you will meet or what might happen, but you prepare yourself for the encounters using the information you have.  And, most often, nothing strange or life-altering happens.  Most often it is a "normal" situation where people mingle superficially, you eat h'ordervs, listen to music and speeches and then you go home, having met a few new people but not necessarily anyone who will remain in your life.

Being the mother of a trans child offers the opportunity, if you allow it, of putting you (or "forcing" you) into situations where you might be around trans individuals other than your child.  It is a very unique situation - one that not many people will ever experience in their lives.  One you never saw yourself experiencing. It's sort of like going into a strip club - you might be very curious about what it would be like but you will never know unless you experience it.  It is not a place you would normally visit, but ... in some ways, putting yourself there might change how you see life.

There have been several occasions over the past 18 months where I found myself in a room or at a party I went to with Chris and Courtney where there were trans individuals.  I did not go to these gatherings necessarily always knowing there would be trans individuals there.  In recent months I have become more aware that the likelihood was high (I never asked), but early on I was sort of thrown into parties or gatherings where I was just there among them.  I've walked away from all of these occasions having had a great time and meeting some interesting, kind, fun and important people.  I've also walked away wondering how I felt about being among people and in a situation I never imagined I would ever be in.  What baffles me is that I have no real thoughts other than I had fun.  I have no thoughts of how odd it was, as one might expect.  I have no thoughts of ever being uncomfortable.  I have had moments where I was talking to someone who was trans and wondered how they looked before transitioning.  I've had moments of amazement where I momentarily inspected their faces or bodies and found myself intrigued and astonished by how "real" they look as a male (I have only met female to male trans individuals so far).  I've had moments when I wondered how hard it has been for all of them.  I've had moments where I wondered how hard it has been for all of their families. Beyond those moments there were hours of not thinking about it at all; just being there among them and enjoying the experience.  Beyond those moments there were times I realized that I was the outsider because I was still in the process of accepting them and their changes and their way of life, but I never felt as though anyone was judging me.  I give myself a lot of credit for fitting into a situation I never wanted to be in or wanted my child to be in, as somewhere in all of these moments I could have or maybe even should have felt out of place.  Somewhere in all of these moments I made myself fit into this world that scares me so much.

If you had asked me when I was 20 years old what I imagined my life would be like in the future, I would have said I wanted to be married and have children and pursue the things I love, like writing. If you had asked me if I thought I would have twins one day that would be gay and then one would experience gender dysphoria and become trans, I would have said no, as those ideas and obstacles did not fit into the image of the "perfect" world I saw for myself and the future of my children.  If I could go back and say things to my 20-year-old self, one of the things I would say is ... "There is no such thing as perfect.  And even if there was, it is not necessarily ideal.  Your life will not be as you expected, but you must continue to keep an open mind and an open heart because it will be those things that get you through those times when you think your world is falling apart - it will be those things that allow you to be at a party one day and meet amazing people you never would have met with a cold heart and closed mind.  It will be those things that remind you that you want your children happy, beyond anything else, and you will raise them to lead and not follow and they will be a reflection of you ... even if you can not truly comprehend the roads they travel.  It will be those things that allow you to be included and you will always want to be included in your children's lives."

If my life had been more "normal" I can't even imagine where we would all be.  If my twins were not gay but dating boys, instead, how would that fit into our world.  If Chris was not trans ... where would Chloe be now in her world.  I will never know what could have been, I only know what is, and one thing I know is that this family represents, in so many ways, the person I am.  In so many ways I follow a straight path, as it is the safest way to keep my life in order and going forward.  But ... I am and always have been one to stray off the path in search of excitement and new experiences I know were not available to me inside of any lines.  That is sort of how I see my family - a family outside of the lines.  The good thing about my family is that we are all out there together - traveling paths not everyone would choose or get to experience, but paths that are leading to happiness for some and teaching lessons to others.  Paths that teach you how to deal with pain at the most extreme levels and paths that offer you rays of sunshine from darkness.  

How ... can I not travel these paths?  Even when I wander in sadness and tears that spring out of nowhere, I find myself back on these paths with my children.  Even if these are not paths I have chosen for myself, I follow each of them toward some destiny that will lead all of us out of the lines and toward some future that I trust.  I trust it because I helped raised them and I trust that they will find a ground we can all stand on together ...