Broken Hearts and Battle Lines ...

I got a call from my daughter, Courtney.  She was very upset - saying she'd gotten into a fight with my mother.  She had gone to her grandmother's house to watch the Spurs game with her.  After spending some time watching the game, discussion arose about Chris, but my mother didn't refer to him as Chris, but as Chloe, even when Courtney would correct her several times.  Courtney went on to describe to me the heated discussion she and my mother had about how difficult my mother was finding it to call Chris by his new name or using "he" or "him" when she spoke about him.  Courtney told me how she tried to make it clear to my mother that it was and is very important to Chris that we all call him by his new name and use male pronouns when referring to him.  Courtney told me how she tried to make it clear that Chris is transitioning and that nothing is going to stop that and that his life and happiness depends on these changes, as well as others accepting and supporting him.  My mother went on to state her position on the subject - which was really the first time I or any of us had heard her openly state that she "couldn't" call him Chris and that her beliefs were such that she was finding it all very difficult to accept.

My mother loves my kids immensely and has always been extremely close to Courtney and Chris. When she and I have had discussions about Chris' transitioning, she has always been very open minded and supportive, for Chris' sake, as she loves him so much.  But ... I have always known that she has deep feelings about Chris changing, and even though she does not openly discuss her worries or fears or disapproval, even, I always knew there were things she was not really saying, as I know my mother.

I told Courtney to take a deep breath and try to understand.  Courtney is not only Chris' closest friend and twin, but his greatest advocate (and vice-versa).  It seems to me that she feels it is her duty to help Chris as much as she can - even if it means going to battle for him with loved ones.  I told her to try and realize that people have to be given time to adjust, people have the prerogative of choosing to never accept or support, people have the right to stand strong by their beliefs, people need to lovingly and calmly be asked to do the best they can to help Chris with his transitioning by doing what he needs from them, people need to be given respect and encouragement when trying to create an alliance for Chris.  My mother will and does love Chris no matter what, but if you ask her how she really feels she might just tell you.  You have to be willing to hear other people's feelings and thoughts - as is the case with most matters of this magnitude.  Most of all, you just have to give people time.

I was in the car after that driving with Alexis.  She was using my phone for something and asked me why I still had Chris' name as Chloe in my phone.  I said it was because I just hadn't changed it yet. After that, she and I got into a heated discussion, as while we were talking I slipped and called Chris Chloe.  I finally stopped the fight she was trying to have with me by saying, "I'm doing the best I can, but sometimes I slip up."  She said, "I never slip up.  I always call him Chris."  I said, "I have known him as Chloe and called him Chloe for 23 years - called him Chloe probably a million times.  You have only known him as Chloe for 14 years and you can't really even count the first 3 or 4, so it's probably a little easier for you."

It just takes time to recondition ourselves.  It takes time to let go of a name so many of us are sad to let go of.  Some of us will do it easily, some not so easily, some not at all.  My mom and Courtney settled their differences and made up and since that day my mother and I have talked a bit about all this.  My mother is trying her best in a very strange and difficult situation, and through the course of the conversation I had with her I became aware that if she found herself in the position of having to go to battle for Chris with family or friends that might find difficulty accepting that Chris is transgender and that Chris and Courtney are gay, my mother would definitely go to battle to defend both of them, even if she struggles with so much with the things going on in their lives.

It is one of the hardest steps for family and friends of a transgender individual - calling them by a new name.  It is the first big step I took trying to move away from my fear and sadness and more toward acceptance.  The more I began to use Chris's new name and saw the light and happiness in his eyes when I did that, was when I began to see the light at the end of my dark tunnel.  The more I use his new name, the brighter the light becomes ...