If You Love Something ...

I was at a friend's house recently visiting.  We talked about this and we talked about that.  The subject came up about Chris at one point and my friend asked, "How is all of that going?  For you, I mean?" I went on to tell her that it is going well, but not before she also said, "You don't have to talk about it if it's too difficult."  I offered her details and stories.  She's a good friend who cares about our family and about me and she listened with a smile on her face.  She asked many questions that I openly answered.  She never implied through her words or actions that she was grateful that all that we were discussing was happening to me and my child and not her and hers, but ... I always wonder if that is not what people are thinking.

I have often been told that "this is not about you," and yet, if it was not about me then how is it that so often people ask me how I am doing through all of this?  People often tell me that they can't imagine how difficult this all must be and always offer supportive words of wisdom and encouragement, but it is always apparent that people realize that, as a mother, as a parent, this must be very hard; having a transgender child.  Unless you are living this, it is true, you really can not comprehend the difficulty.

I went to a Chris Young (country artist) concert with Chris and Courtney a few nights before this visit I had with my friend.  There was a huge crowd at the concert.  Chris, Courtney and I had gotten to the venue early enough to grab some bar stools to sit on.  As the venue began to fill with people, a large crowd gathered behind where we sat to view the concert.  I was sitting next to Chris at one point, had my hand on his back and was rubbing his back and shoulders as we talked.  When I glanced over my shoulder I caught the couple behind us watching.  I was aware of how they looked at us; not mean or with disgust or anything, just with curiosity.  I smiled at them and then turned my attention back to Chris, thinking, "I know we're not your "normal" family, but I'm certain these people see, not only that, but also how much we love each other."   I was and am proud anytime I am with Chris (and Courtney) and I am always so happy they allow me and want me to spend time with them.  I would venture to say that it is more challenging for Chris to be with me, at times, than it has ever been for me to be with him, as I am not your "normal" sort of mother and I sometimes dress and act a little wild - haha!

One of the things I realized way back when I found out my twins were gay was that they will live their lives, our children, with or without our approval or acceptance about things they do and if we do not be very careful we could easily lose them.  Courtney told me several times, back when I was really having difficulty accepting Chris being transgender, that if she was forced to choose between me or Chris, she would choose Chris.  And she would have.  And I would and could have lost both of them.  I never reached the point where I turned away completely, but there were times when I thought I might.  I'm certainly glad I didn't because I don't know if Chris could actually survive without me in his life, but I do know that I do not believe I could survive without him.

Do you know that saying, "If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was?"  Well, that's how it was and is sometimes for me with Chris and Courtney.  They live their lives and set me free to decide if I will fly away or stay and be in theirs.  I don't know if this is how they see things, but it is how I see things.  I am forced to choose my love for them over my worries and fears, sometimes.  I don't know if they realize I would never fly away.  My greatest fear has always been that ... my children will fly away and never come back to me ...