I grew up the middle child of three; quiet and shy and often shadowed by an older sister that was joyful and filled with laughter and words she knew how to use to fill every conversation. She was like our father and mother - so confident and so loved by others. I admired her ability to easily fit into the world - how she had honed all of her talents of conversation and diplomacy - even as a child. I watched her for years - taking center stage for all of us kids so perfectly. I laughed and smiled, just as everyone did, at her joy-filled personality and pleasant demeanor. She did everything I never knew how to do nor had to do because she did it for me; broke the ice, paved the way. For many, many years, I lived vicariously through my sister.
Maybe that is when and where I learned how to love life so much. Maybe, even though it took me many years to spread my wings, I learned through her how to do it. Because ... I came out of the shadows one day, found my own voice and my own stage ... a stage that was strangely away and outside of the lines.
I wondered what sort of children I would have - being a mother, a person, who found herself wandering for so long trying to find her own self. Looking back on all of it now, I know that it was after I had my children that I became more confident and happy - they were my stage. My children would not describe me as ever being shy or quiet - and that is because I was no longer that person once I had them. I worried about my children, constantly. I wanted them to be confident and leaders and funny and smart and happy and I wanted them all to be aware of what they had to offer the world and make the most of it, from the very beginning of their lives. I didn't want them living in any shadows, not ever. As they each grew older I began to see that each of them were developing very strong personalities, very strong wills, very sure identities and beliefs about themselves. Even my youngest, who has three siblings to constantly compete with for attention and to be heard, is very strong-willed and self assured. And all, are very loud. All are leaders.
In a lot of ways, my children have fought not to live in my shadow and I am very proud of all of them for that. It takes a very strong will to step into your own light and stay there. In many ways, my twins paved that path for their younger siblings, because they were and are so strong and intelligent and determined to make their own way in this world - paths that are not traveled by very many and paths that they seem very sure about. Being gay can be difficult, and yet, both Courtney and Chris travel this path with confidence and certainty. Battling gender dysphoria and now being trans has been a dramatic and traumatic road for Chris to travel, so much on his own, and yet he has battled through so much of the journey with dignity and strength. His journey is far from over, but he will survive and be happy, I just know it, because he is strong and wise. I sometimes wonder where my children's strength comes from, but then I remember how strong they have had to be to live with me as their mother.
I received a hateful private message not long ago on fB from a woman who said to me, "You have major issues. No wonder your daughters are the exact opposite of you! Good gosh never seen anything like it. I hope one day u get the help you need."
I don't know what you do with this sort of message other than delete the hateful person who sent it and then also take a moment to question the validity of such a statement. It did not take this message from a stranger to make me question how who I was and am affects who my children are turning out to be. I guess I won't truly know all the answers, but what I do know is this ... I have loved them all deeply. I have taught them all right from wrong. I have seen how they are loved by others and how they offer love freely and easily. I have witnessed their struggles and how they deal with adversity with dignity and grace. I have seen their ambitions pave amazing paths in their lives. I have seen how they have mindfully taken the best parts of their father and I and woven those traits and beliefs into the fabric of their lives.
My children are not me, but that is the most amazing part about who they are, as they found their way around me to become exactly who they want to be. Somewhere in all of the chaos and madness and love affair that is our lives, I taught them that, and for that I am very proud and forever thankful, as the opposite of me is my children that also live outside of the lines, beyond any shadows, on their stage under their very own lights. Me ... I will continue to be who I am despite what others think, because I have spent my whole life searching for the fires I will dance around and they say ... "Your vibe attracts your tribe" and I must have a pretty cool vibe because I have the coolest tribe ever ...
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