We Are Both Butterflies

There's a beginning point, a middle point and an ending to every situation in life.  Every so often, as I am traveling this journey with Chris being transgender, I wonder where we are at.  While the beginning was a little over ten months ago now for me, Chris' beginning happened several years ago, and in so many ways I know that Chris is way farther into his journey than I am, maybe in the middle.  For me, it feels like I am viewing life through a kaleidoscope - where the images keep shifting to produce a new picture, but your mind knows the images you see are made from the same collection of colored shards just shifted and thrown together differently.  If you have the same collection of shards just thrown together and shifted to create different images, you have to know that you are at the beginning of something and it will not change until and unless the shards are changed.  I seem to be stuck in the beginning of this journey, even though much has and is shifting around me.

When I found out my twins were gay I went through stages of accepting the reality and modifying my life to embrace the reality.  I reached a stage, rather quickly, where I became comfortable and could breathe easily for several years.  Then ... Courtney became engaged to her partner (Courtney also) and another reality hit me that I had to adjust to, accept and embrace.  They aren't married yet, but when they do there will come a day when they will/might want children and that will be another strange hurdle I will need to adjust to, accept and embrace.  Before they were engaged, I do not remember ever truly realizing that that would/could happen one day.  I don't know why - maybe denial, but when it happened it was sort of a shock.  Chris came out as transgender to my husband and I in late December 2014.  If you think it might be difficult to foresee or predict the things you might encounter with a gay child, imagine how lost you would be with a transgender child - never knowing what will or can happen next to shock you or bring you to your knees.

You sort of prepare yourself for the obvious things you know or think or believe will happen, but you can not foresee everything if you are, not only an emotional mess for many months, but also thrown into a situation you really know nothing about.  There are many stages a female transgender individual goes through to transition,  Some I am aware of are wearing different clothing, changing their hair, taking on a new name, wearing binders to hide their breasts, wearing other items to appear and feel more masculine, going to therapy, taking testosterone, having others call them by male pronouns.  All of these stages Chris has or is going through.  He is becoming more masculine in appearance - his body is changing, the shape of his face is changing, his voice is deeper, he is growing thicker hair on his legs and under arms.  It's sort of like watching in slow motion a caterpillar build a cocoon and then begin to emerge as a butterfly; changing slowly before your eyes.

I went to a concert with Chris and Courtney in October.  I don't remember exactly, but I realized somewhere in that night that Chris was using the Men's restroom and not the women's anymore.  I think he said something about how they had gum or cologne or something in the Men's restroom.  I think I even responded with how there was nothing like that in the Women's restroom.  When it hit me, I went through several layers of emotions.  I was curious, but I didn't ask.  I was scared, I think.  I was shocked.  I was worried.  We were having such a fun night together and I guess I didn't want to dwell on how I felt about this thing. This part of the journey I had not thought about.  This part of the journey that, once again, made me uncomfortable and fearful.  My thoughts were not embarrassment on any level or anger or frustration at all.  My thoughts were threefold.  First was curiosity. I wondered how Chris had become brave enough to do this?   How long had he been doing this?  How does it feel to him to be among men in such a private and strange environment?  Did he feel vulnerable?  Scared?  How did he become so brave? Secondly, I was scared for Chris.  My mind visualized him walking into the Men's restroom alone.  My mind and heart saw, still, that part of him I view as Chloe and I feared for her and wanted to protect her and help her do this.  Thirdly, I wondered if he wanted me to acknowledge this new change, that I didn't. I know the truth about why I did not, other than my not wanting to disturb our night together with the possibility that I might somehow allow myself to be dragged to some dark place if I pondered the situation too much.  The truth is ... as with so much of this road we are on with Chris, sometimes I go to a place of silence as a way to protect myself.  It's denial.  If I don't talk about it then it doesn't exist.

How can I have fear and concern and even pride for Chris in this situation, above everything, and still refuse to step over that line to where I easily and openly embrace and help him through the things he must struggle with, the things he must want to discuss, the things that are huge steps in his transitioning?  I don't know, but today I am ashamed.  He did not flaunt what he was doing.  He did not throw it in my face or even tell me what he was doing.  He simply and bravely got up from his seat, walked across the club to the Men's restroom and went inside.  When he returned, he was not gloating about how brave he was or whining about how difficult it might have been.  He simply smiled so sweetly, sat beside me and we went on as if nothing was strange.  He went silent on the subject, too.  But I think it did that for me.

As I am writing this post tonight, I stopped and sent Chris a text telling him that I am sorry and ashamed that I do not easily and openly ask him questions or encourage him to have conversations with me about his transitioning.  I told him I want that to change and that I will do my best to help make that change.  Luckily, I am not the only person Chris has to talk to about things, but what if I was?  I am his mother, but I can not claim to be his mother if I do not act like his mother.

There are so many things that happen and can happen and are yet to happen on this journey.  I started this post feeling and believing I was stuck in the beginning and after writing all of this I realize it is because I am not pushing myself to move forward, sometimes.  I had an awakening tonight as I was writing and mentally reliving that night at the concert with Chris.  I saw him so clearly, so quietly walking too much of this journey with me silent.

We are both like caterpillars inside of our own kind of cocoon, only Chris is the one brave enough, with or without me, to make himself into a butterfly.  It's time I come out of my cocoon so I can see how beautiful he is going to be ...