I do not have anything against therapy. I am not necessarily opposed to therapy for myself. I could probably use some therapy. The thing is ... the moment someone said to me, "You might benefit from therapy," I went on the defensive. I think what it said to me was ... you are failing at surviving if it is evident to anyone else that you seem shattered. Maybe that is not how I seemed at all to this person. Maybe my pain was so evident that it caused others pain. Maybe it was merely concern on her part. All I know is I immediately posted a response on Facebook that read:
I deleted/blocked someone recently on fB that sent me a private message wherein she was saying that I needed therapy. I don't need therapy. The amount of years it would take for me to formulate to a stranger my sadness is too many. I am happy smiling through each and every one of my tears. I am even more relieved when I see my smiling face on the other side. One day I imagine I will stand in front of God and I imagine He will say to me, "Yours was nowhere near as hard a test as it could have been, but you had a joyful spirit and a great smile through it all. Come sit close to me."
I have weathered many storms over the past several years, but encountered few that test my perseverance as much as the storm I am in right now. I know I fail at surviving, sometimes, as I have had a very difficult time dealing with the sorrow. But ... as each day passes, I grow stronger, even through all of my weak moments and tears. My fear of therapy is that someone will find a way to lead me out of the darkness without helping me learn what I need to learn from dwelling in the shadows. I have a strong belief that I am meant to live in this darkness so that I will be forced to survive on a level I do not want to, but need to.
Once, I tried to quit smoking and I remember a friend of mine telling me, "One of the most difficult things in life is denying ourselves something we truly do not want to deny ourselves of." And this is the darkness I have been dwelling in - a place I convince myself is sometimes inescapable, but also a place I refuse to sometimes leave because if I leave it and move into some semblance of light then maybe she will not follow me.
I am not ready to let her go. That is just the truth of it. I do not believe I ever will be. I believe I will learn to adapt, as I am doing, but I do not believe I will ever allow her to die. And so ... in my mind ... I am trying to find a way to have both worlds, even though it is not possible or reasonable. But my mind and heart fight for this daily. I fight the mother inside of me every single day. The one who knows what she must do to protect her child - the one who knows what she must do to protect herself. It is an impossible battle I might never win.
Deleting and blocking this individual on Facebook might seem extreme, especially when it is evident on so many levels that her suggestion or opinion was warranted and most likely and simply presented out of concern for me. It was not the first time she had broached this subject, so there is that. But I think my blocking her - eliminating her from my life - was my way of saying ... leave me be. Nobody knows my struggles. Nobody knows the millions of thoughts I have shuffled through over the months and years that have brought me to this place where I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. Do not dismiss my courage and strength by suggesting that I can not and am not successfully weathering this battle inside of my own mind - inside of my own world. And unless you have lived this thing then you can not even imagine what it has taken me to get from there to here - through so much darkness and sadness. Do not dismiss what I have already done ...
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