The first I learned of the possibility that there was something really "wrong" was when I took the twins to Las Vegas for their 21st Birthday in April 2013. Chloe stood in front of me in the hotel room, in a pair of slacks, a button-down shirt and a tie, and said to me that she did not identify with being a girl. I had seen how Chloe was more and more trying to look like a boy, in the clothes she wore and how she wore her hair, but, to me, when I was around her, she was still the same Chloe as I always knew, so it didn't matter to me the clothes she wore or how she wore her hair. Honestly, I'm not naive or blind, but I just thought that was part of being gay. And there were so many times when I would be with her - with her boy clothes and boy hair - even in Vegas - and someone would give her a weird look when she went into the Ladies restroom or a waitress would refer to her as "sir" and I would see her become outwardly aggravated with people, not necessarily correcting them, but often mumbling things like, "Yes, I'm a girl," or coming out of the restroom sort of angry that people would question that she was a girl. This happened often, and sort of affirmed to me that if she was defending being a girl, then she must still be a girl. What was really going on, probably, was her frustration of not having a place to actually fit in. I know this now. Anyway, there was very little conversation in the hotel room in Vegas that day, but I remember saying, "I will always love you, no matter what."
After that day in Vegas there was silence between Chloe and I on this subject for nearly 2 years. I can remember asking Courtney, from time to time, if Chloe was okay - if she knew if Chloe was still struggling with her identity issues? In retrospect, I should have asked Chloe, but I never saw or heard anything that led me to believe she needed my help, except when she got to her last year of college she suggested to me that maybe she needed counseling. We talked about it a few times and I said I'd help her find someone, but she never pursued it further and so neither did I. I didn't know all the things she felt she needed counseling for, but I knew she had stress of college and a bad break-up with a girlfriend and other personal/friend issues and I sort of concluded that these were the reasons she wanted counseling - to help her feel more at ease and not so frantic all the time. Now I know that the true issue was her dysphoria.
She never talked to me about her dysphoria. I think she was afraid. I think she was afraid of what she was feeling and also afraid of disappointing me in any way. I think she was afraid to talk too much about this, because, really, how do you talk about this to your parents? How do you talk about this to anyone, easily?
Chloe and Courtney moved to New York in July of 2014. It was about September that Chloe said to me that she needed therapy for her dysphoria and anxiety. I got on the internet that very day and researched for therapist in New York. I found many that specialized in transgender and gay issues. I narrowed my search down to about five, emailed them and then gave Chloe the list to call 3 or 4 I thought she should talk to. She did; met with 2 of them and ultimately chose a therapist she has been seeing ever since. I don't know what they talk about, but in January of this year, Chloe became Chris and began taking testosterone in March as the beginning steps toward transitioning.
I don't know if I could have done or said anything 2 or 3 years ago that would have helped, would have changed anything, would have altered the course of where Chris is today ... but I am certain that we should have talked. Maybe Chris didn't want to hear what I had to say - maybe I didn't want to hear what he had to say - but we both should have talked to each other. It's the main reason that this has all been so hard on me - because it sort of hit me and my husband blind-sided. People probably would say that we should have seen this coming, but who could see this coming? I think Chris drew into himself and kept people as far away as he could because the struggle was so real and frightening for him, he knew if he brought other people's feelings and fears into it that it would be almost impossible to survive. If I had had 2 or 3 years to walk this path with Chris, I might understand some things better today.
I wish we had talked, because now he wants and needs me to talk about the excitement and the experience of his transition and, too often, I can't. I'm trying and it is becoming easier, but it has not happened over night. He has climbed this mountain nearly all on his own, reached the peak and is beginning to descend down the other side. I am navigating a winding path up behind him, trying to keep up and constantly glancing in the rear-view mirror trying to figure out what went wrong ...
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