I heard this in a movie I watched tonight and it made me think about all the people I would want to have with me. My boat would be really full - it would have to be a yacht. But if I had to choose only 5 people, I would choose my children and my husband. I could live the rest of my life with only these 5 people offering companionship, as they are not only the most important people in my life, but they are all some of the most amazing.
My husband is the kindest, most patient person I have ever known. I have often said to people that he is the best person I have ever met, and it's the truth. My son is very much like his father. My youngest daughter is a mixture of all of us and so full of life and truths and happiness. My twins ... they are my greatest accomplishment in life, so far, and are my oldest children, so they are more grown and have become two of the most amazing people I have ever known.
In recent weeks there has been a bit of turmoil between Chris and I over the stories I am posting on this blog. I am not going to go into details, I am only going to say that I understand his frustration. He is reading things I have written about thoughts I have had regarding his transition so far, reading about beliefs I have that I have never really spoke openly about or forced on him or anyone. He is reading and feeling as though I am writing blindly about some things regarding transgender individuals and his journey, as he and I have had very few discussions about the turmoil he has experienced with the dysphoria and now with the process of transitioning, nor have we discussed in any length about what it really means to be transgender.
He has a right to feel frustrated, as so much of what I am writing is about things nobody really knows, as I have kept so much of it inside of me. And with regard to his feelings that I am out of touch with his struggles and his experiences, he is right. Because he lives in New York, it is difficult to be intimately involved in the day-to-day ups and down, but it also makes it easy for me not to be when it makes me uncomfortable. And ... it has made me uncomfortable from the beginning. So much so, that I had moments where I pulled away so far and with such anxiety that my daughter, Courtney, would seek me out to reign me back in - impressing that I could not abandon Chris just because I was uncomfortable or filled with sadness. She would scold me and then rally me - remind me of where my priorities were - with Chris. Even if I had to push away all my own anxieties to help and protect him. I thought I was doing that when I openly stated and physically committed myself to supporting him. What I wasn't and haven't done, however, was talk to him openly about much of his history or present experience.
Because Chris kept so much of his dysphoria secret from me (and others) for so long and it wasn't until in the last year that he had reached a point of "awakening"; finally knowing what he needed to do to make his life better (transitioning), and because he had created a support system around himself with friends, his twin sister, a therapist, other trans individuals, doctors ... I think I believed he was and is functioning okay without and in spite of me. I honestly don't know the reasons he never reached out to me, but because he didn't, often, I believed he was fine. I am coming to realize that this child is very much more like me than I realized - someone who seldom asks for help from anyone. It does not mean he did not need my help or need it now. I always sort of believed, and still do, that I am my children's touchstone in many ways. I am not always an accurate compass, and thank goodness they don't rely solely on me for direction, but I think they have always counted on me to be that one person in their lives who is a constant and who is their beacon. Through this journey Chris has been on, I have failed to be his constant beacon - not intentionally, but sadly, it is true. Because I have 2 other children at home, a husband and home and responsibilities in my life, and because Chris has lived away from home for several years, I allowed those things to completely distract me from seeing all that was and is going on with Chris.
Aside from the journey I am on with Chris, I have had many other things going on in my life, as well. A son who just graduated high school and who I am trying to help find his way in this world. A 30 year marriage that has been tested in the past few years, but my husband and I are working hard on that. A younger daughter who is starting high school this year and has her own struggles. The issues in my life that are peripheral to my journey with Chris have and do play into the anxiety and emotional stress I have and do experience with regard to how I have and continue to handle Chris' struggles and the path he is on. I have not been my strongest self in a long time, but I have done my best to pull myself up out of the darkness that so often has tried to envelop me, to be there for Chris. It hasn't been enough, but every day I am growing stronger because, in my heart, I know how important I am to Chris (and he is to me) and I know that I would be one of the people Chris would want and need on his boat.
I am only at the beginning of this new journey, and I don't know everything I should know, nor do everything I should do, but I hope Chris bears with me a while longer because he may not know it, but he is one of my touchstones and I am fighting every damn wave to find my way back to him ...
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