CHRIS

It was on this day last year that I found a hand-written letter from Chris to me and my husband on the desk in my bedroom, telling us that he was transgender.  He wrote us a letter because he wanted us to know how he felt, what he had been dealing with for so long and what his plans were.  He had thought about telling us over Christmas, but decided against it, as people suggested that it might be better to wait until after.  He left the letter and returned to New York.

Even as I write this, I cry.  Not because I am sad or hurt or angry or so scared, anymore.  I cry because when I read that letter last year, I honestly did not think I would survive all that I believed Chris's letter was saying to me.  I cry because I still carry with me all the the days I have struggled to be right with this thing - with Chris being and becoming someone other than who I had believed he would be.  I cry because I am surviving and I am filled with hope that I never imagined would show itself to me on this journey.  I cry because Chris has come so far and I have also come so far.  I cry because I am looking forward on this road, instead of behind us.  I cry because I am no longer so sad.

I am not where I totally need to be with Chris, yet.  I still find myself resisting in moments I should be engaging.  I still slip too often and call him "Chloe" or "she" or "the girls".  I still glance at him, sometimes, and wonder how it is we found ourselves on this strange and frightening journey.  I still battle, at times, with wanting things to be simpler, for me and for Chris.  I still miss Chloe.

But ... I am further up the mountain now - closer to Chris and farther from the strings that tried to bind me to a dark place that was on a lower path; a path where I almost couldn't even see Chris climbing this mountain ahead of me, alone.  I am now trying to do things to help Chris along and trying to make him realize I support him completely.  One of the things I did over Christmas was buy him a masculine ID bracelet with his name on it.  I considered putting "Chloe" on the reverse side, but decided not to do that, as I did not want him to be reminded of the struggles I have had, only be reminded of my acceptance and love when he wore the bracelet.  On the reverse side I simply had engraved, "I love you.  Mom."

I am not yet completely holding Chris's hand on this journey, but I am no longer clinging to Chloe's ...