Smiles Can Disguise Sadness

We had Thanksgiving together; my mother, my sister and her husband, my brother and his family, my nephew and his family, all of my family.  There were about 18 of us in my house. After Thanksgiving, Chris posted some pictures on Facebook that he had taken.  I noticed there was a comment on the post from my mother saying, "Thanks, Chris.  I love all the pictures."

She called him Chris.

I noticed.  I also know that it was intentional on her part, as she could just as easily said, "Thank you, sweetie," like she often does when trying to figure out what to call him when she is finding it so difficult to call him by his new name.

I call him Chris most often now.  It is only when I occasionally slip that I call him Chloe.  It doesn't hurt as much anymore and there isn't angry resistance like there was several months ago, but there is still a part of my brain that remembers the girl I knew.  A part of my brain that forgets where we are and what Chris is going through.  It's like everything you allow time to heal or destroy.  Given enough time and your heart and mind adjusts.  I have often said that I don't think I will ever let Chloe go, but now I know that is not true.  I am letting her go, day by day.  I am allowing Chris to take her place because his presence and his life is more important and more powerful than any dreams I had, any hopes I had, any beliefs I had ... for Chloe.

My mother said his name.  She gave that to him to make him stronger, just as I have done.  We are not your normal, "traditional" family, that's for sure, but, what I know about this family is that Chris being transgender or any of my children being gay will not destroy any of us.  I am watching, experiencing and learning how we are all growing stronger, maybe because we are all being forced to travel this road with Chris.  I say "forced" because that is the truth of it; we have no other choice. Each day that passes and Chris grows more into himself, Chloe vanishes more and more into distant memories.

I was looking at this picture the other day of Chloe from her first birthday.  She was smiling and perfectly posed like a porcelain doll.  I stood and stared at that beautiful photo for a long time.  I caught myself trying to find Chris in the face and eyes of the baby I had named Chloe Nicole.  I never saw Chris in that baby's face.  Maybe because I didn't want to.  Maybe because Chris was not there yet.  Maybe because there was a smile on Chloe's face and a smile can easily disguise sadness.

My mother said his name.  We are all growing stronger so we can help Chris wash the sadness away ...