What a Difference a Year Can Make

I began wrapping Christmas presents today, mostly those we are giving to our kids.  I know last year, when I wrote the tags for Chris's presents I labeled them to Chloe.  That wasn't the case today.  The presents I bought for Chris I labeled to Chris.  Strangely, it didn't bother me.  I didn't hesitate when I wrote his name; I just wrote it on the tags and placed those presents under the tree like I have done many Christmas' before.

It was just after Christmas last year that Chloe left this letter for me and her father:

Mom (and Dad, if you're reading this),

I love you.  I could not have asked for better parents.  It is because of you that I am everything and have everything that I have today.  You always taught me with love and compassion, you taught me right from wrong, you taught me to be proud and most of all you taught me to be myself.  You could not possibly have raised me better.

I have struggled with this for some time, it's hard to communicate exactly what I feel about myself.  I have felt uneasy with my identity, specifically my gender, for several years now.  It has weighted on me, most days the dysphoria being unbearable.  You know when you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach about something, and you can't quite explain it, but you know something is just ... off?  That is the closest I can get to explaining how wrong it feels for me to be seen as, referred to, and recognized as female.  These feelings have weighed on me, causing anxiety and depression to the point that I feel as if I do not make this change I will not be able to continue living like this.  I need to be me, the person I feel like I am on the inside.  That may seem dramatic, but it's true.  I have put off this decision as long as I could, but now it's frankly a matter of life and death.  Living as something/someone you don't identify as is no way to live.

I know how difficult it has been having two gay daughters and you've been so supportive and come so far.  I hate to throw another "curve ball" your way.  However, I will not apologize for who I am.  I know it's not something you're familiar with and it's scary.  Trust me, it scares me too.  But if I could be happy and okay as I am, trust me, I would be.  This is going to be a long and difficult road for me, but I deserve to live my one life as who I was meant to be, and I hope you can learn to accept and support it.

I have started socially transitioning, going by male pronouns, going by my chosen male name (Chris - Christopher Nicholas), and speaking to my therapist has helped me by speaking with an unbiased individual about all of this and getting me one step closer to physically transitioning come the New Year.  I am going to look at starting hormones.  In the meantime, I ask that you try to see me and accept me as a boy.  If calling me Chris is too hard at first, please try using male or at least gender neutral pronouns.  If that is too hard at first then I merely ask that you stop referring to me as she/her and "daughter".

I love you both so much and I always want to make you proud.  I don't want this to be hard on you.  I want us to have an open line of communication.  I will answer any of your questions that I can, provide any articles or information you desire.  I know I will have to speak to you more in depth, as well as to Billy, Alexis and the rest of the family and friends when the time comes.  I want you to know that none of this is a reflection on you both as parents, on the contrary, because you are such incredible parents is why I have the strength and courage to do this for myself.

I wanted to write you this as a letter because I wanted to be able to formulate my thoughts and because I knew it would be difficult for me to talk about at first.  I also wanted to give you both time to process before you respond, in whatever form you choose.

I love you both more than words can say.  I hope you can learn to love me as your son the way you've always loved me as your daughter.

On December 29th of last year, several days after I had read this letter from Chloe, I sat down and wrote a long letter myself.  I'm not going to recite it here, as it was lengthy and rambled quite a bit, but the gist of that letter was telling Chloe that I loved her, no matter what, but that I could not call her by a new name or easily support or accept what she wanted or was doing.  I never sent that letter to New York.  As a matter of fact, I didn't speak to Chloe for many days, and when I did I was filled with fear and sadness and anger that lasted many, many months.

We are now a year later and ... I wrapped presents today and the ones meant for my first born child I tagged to ... Chris.

We have all come a long way in the last year, Chris most of all, of course, but I have too.  Chris seems very happy with the changes he's making to ensure his happiness.  I'm happy because he is happy ...