Thorns and Roses

" Trannies and Faggots. Wow, you got the cream of some sick man's loins."  This was the hate-filled comment left by a man named James Gifford on a Facebook post about my precious (trans/gay) children (Chris Rhodes and Courtney Rhodes) recently.

This statement not only attacks my children and me, but it attacks my husband and his parents and my parents.  I do not take this man's comment to heart, as I know who I am and I know who my children are, but I have to say, I was angry when I read it - so much so that I wrote another post calling him out for his meanness and then I deleted him as a Facebook friend.  He then blocked me - which was fine by me.  I mention all this because even though I seldom encounter people that voice this sort of opinion openly to me, I know they are out there and I know my children deal with this sort hate every day. 

I have written before about my religious beliefs.  I grew up Baptist and I have a strong belief and faith in God.  I believe that God created the Earth and Heavens and Hell and the people and animals.  I believe God created woman for man, as it says in the Bible in Genesis and many times throughout. But ... I also believe that the brilliant God I believe in created man with the ability to make choices.  He could have just as easily created man with the inability to make choices.  Believing that, I have concluded that I do not know what God's plan really is.  Is it that he wishes for all His people to find their way back to one straight and narrow path that is somewhere defined as the only path that leads to Him, or ... is his plan that man live each of their lives making choices that distract from some "perfect" path so that we all come to some realization that diversity and color and abstract and shattered pieces are really the things that will teach and unite and form beings He can truly appreciate and love?  The Bible teaches that God became angry when Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, when they ate from the tree of Good and Evil.  It was after that that He put thorns on the rose bush; allowed the world to be more brutal.  A God that can and did create all the wonders of our world that He has created has to have known the choice Adam and Eve would make.  That's my belief.  Believing that ... I have to believe He knew that over the many millions of years, we would either destroy ourselves through and because of our diversities or find a way to all survive together.

We fight this fight every single day, in America and around the world - trying to find a way to live together peacefully.  And because it is impossible for every person to undo all of what they have done wrong, every person's ancestors to undo any of what they did wrong, every nation to undo all the wrongs they have done ... logic suggests that it is impossible, at this point, to revert easily or convert completely to some "perfect" path.  As individuals, we can continuously make new choices to try and "perfect" our own lives to the point that we believe we are living a life that God would be pleased with, but we can not do that by alienating or eliminating others from our lives that do not live as we live or how we believe they should live.  If that were the case, most people would be traveling through life completely alone.

One of the consequences of Adam and Eve's sin was the division of people/races/languages.  Creating a world where there was lack of unity and solidarity, was meant to be a "punishment" for man's sin.  My belief is ... God always intended it that way; diversity.  He allowed Satan to tempt Adam and Eve from the very beginning, according to the Bible.  The story is that Eve ate fruit from the Tree of Good and Evil and then so did Adam and sin was born.  If this is truly the beginning of the story as the Bible suggests, why would God even offer such a temptation (a brilliant God who could prevent it and also predict it) if that was not how it was intended to be?  Why create man filled with flaws and choice if you did not intend or desire to see their lives play out through their choices?  I do not believe God ever intended man to live simple, easy lives in a world with thornless roses.  How boring would that be?

Having said all this, I go back to the comment James Gifford left on my Facebook about my children and me and our family.  James Gifford does not believe my children or I are living the sort of lives he believes to be acceptable; it's apparent by his comment.  Are we to change the way we live to conform to some idea he believes to be "right"?  Do we just blindly accept that how he chooses to live his life is the "right" way?  And what if how he lives his life is not right for any of us - do we just change, anyway? We are not asking him to live his life the way we live our lives, even though we believe we live our lives in such a way that we are kind and loving to others, we are hurting no one, we love and protect each other, we support everyone else and respect how they live their lives, even James Gifford, who has the right to believe anything he wants to believe.

A brilliant God would create a world with diversity just to see all the paths people would take and how long and successfully it would take them to find a way to becoming unified, even and because of their diverse and unique individual lives.  That's the real test, in my opinion. 

My children and I aren't anymore diverse or unique than James Gifford, and I have to admit, I did nothing to bond his life to mine.  I failed that test when I deleted him as a "friend" on my Facebook.  I chose deleting this person from my Facebook over trying to reach out to him to make friends.  I did that because I believed I would likely enter into a debate I could not win - not to mention I was too angry to care about being his friend.  I told myself I did not need this sort of person in my life, as he obviously was disgusted enough to make such a public comment.  The truth of the matter is, I need this man in my life and he needs me in his, because we are so different from one another.  

Man has found a way to grow roses without thorns.  Sadly, both I and James Gifford found a way to still use those thorns against each other ...

Those Who Love Chris ...

People want to know, what it is like.  People want me to tell them that it is horrible.  You know, how people can be.  They want to feel the drama, sometimes - even the trauma.

It has sometimes been both of those things - drama and trauma.  But not so much of either, anymore.  It is becoming easier.  It is becoming our life.  However, there are times when someone, like Anna, who is Chris's girlfriend, talks about Chris, and I listen to her.  It's strange. Because she is the one who loves Chris the most - even more than than me, I believe - different than me - and I hear when she talks about him and I am so aware of how she talks about him.

Just about the time you think you are aligning all of the peculiarities of all of this thing together, you hear someone, like Anna, talk about Chris in a way that makes him someone you want to know, but you do not know at all, the way he needs to be known or seen, the way that she sees him.

I don't even know how to describe it, other than to describe it as the way it should be.   Anna sees Chris closer and more as he wishes to be than I see him, yet.  He is lucky to have Anna and his twin, Courtney, as they do not seem to analyze all that it is - they just simply accept all that it is - all that he was and all that it he is now.  It is different than me; how they are with him.  How they have become with him.

I want to be there.  I want to know and see him as they see him.  I'm watching Anna and Courtney - those who love Chris the most - more, even than me.  I'm trying to learn how to love him and really see him the way they do ...

CHRIS

It was on this day last year that I found a hand-written letter from Chris to me and my husband on the desk in my bedroom, telling us that he was transgender.  He wrote us a letter because he wanted us to know how he felt, what he had been dealing with for so long and what his plans were.  He had thought about telling us over Christmas, but decided against it, as people suggested that it might be better to wait until after.  He left the letter and returned to New York.

Even as I write this, I cry.  Not because I am sad or hurt or angry or so scared, anymore.  I cry because when I read that letter last year, I honestly did not think I would survive all that I believed Chris's letter was saying to me.  I cry because I still carry with me all the the days I have struggled to be right with this thing - with Chris being and becoming someone other than who I had believed he would be.  I cry because I am surviving and I am filled with hope that I never imagined would show itself to me on this journey.  I cry because Chris has come so far and I have also come so far.  I cry because I am looking forward on this road, instead of behind us.  I cry because I am no longer so sad.

I am not where I totally need to be with Chris, yet.  I still find myself resisting in moments I should be engaging.  I still slip too often and call him "Chloe" or "she" or "the girls".  I still glance at him, sometimes, and wonder how it is we found ourselves on this strange and frightening journey.  I still battle, at times, with wanting things to be simpler, for me and for Chris.  I still miss Chloe.

But ... I am further up the mountain now - closer to Chris and farther from the strings that tried to bind me to a dark place that was on a lower path; a path where I almost couldn't even see Chris climbing this mountain ahead of me, alone.  I am now trying to do things to help Chris along and trying to make him realize I support him completely.  One of the things I did over Christmas was buy him a masculine ID bracelet with his name on it.  I considered putting "Chloe" on the reverse side, but decided not to do that, as I did not want him to be reminded of the struggles I have had, only be reminded of my acceptance and love when he wore the bracelet.  On the reverse side I simply had engraved, "I love you.  Mom."

I am not yet completely holding Chris's hand on this journey, but I am no longer clinging to Chloe's ...

I See You, Chris

Alexis asked me, "Am I the only one who thinks we should make Chris a new stocking this year?" as the one we had had the name "Chloe" on it.  She said, "I'll make him a new one; let me make it."  She loves arts and crafts and very much wanted to make the new stocking but I thought it would make more of a statement if we just changed the old one.  So I searched out some fabric paint in our art cabinet, sat down at the kitchen table and proceeded to change the old stocking by crossing out the name "Chloe" and writing the name "Chris".

I could have let Alexis make a new stocking for Chris, but I needed to do this for me.  I need to do things for Chris to show him I am moving on.  I don't know if Chris feels what it means for me to cross out the name "Chloe", I don't know if he realizes the significance for me, but I know the importance.  I know where I was last year when Chris told me he was transgender.  I know the mountain of obstacles and valleys of emotions I have gone through this last year to get to this point of open and easy acceptance of this thing that has frightened and battled with me so much.  I know that we have many miles left on this journey, but we have all come a long way and my crossing off the name "Chloe" on this stocking says ... she is not who I see you as anymore.

I see you, Chris.  I see you ...

Doors Close and Doors Open

As a parent, you have to change so many things about the way you think.  I don't imagine this is necessarily as true for friends of a transgender individual, as all they really have to remind themselves is to call that person by a new name and new pronouns.  For me, because Chris is also a twin (twin girls), I have also had to remember to stop calling them by one of my favored endearments "the girls".  I remember as they were growing up I'd hear their friends refer to them as "the twins" but I never called them that; to me they were (when referring to the both of them) "the girls". "Where are the girls?"  "Have you talked to the girls?"  "I'm going to spend time with the girls."   "Tell the girls dinner is ready."

I now call them "the twins" or refer to them as Courtney and Chris.  But very often I forget and still refer to them as "the girls", as does many of my family, as we all got to where we would call them that.  When my son was very little and could not tell his sisters apart, he referred to them as "the Courtneys".  "Momma, where are the Courtneys?"

Just like is has been difficult to leave Chris's birth name, Chloe Nicole, behind, it is also difficult to leave behind this term of endearment.  But now when I say it, I catch myself making the mistake and I correct myself, but my mind almost always immediately flashes on a stream of memories that consists of so many years of when they were ... the girls.  My girls.

You give up a lot of things in life you don't necessarily want to - like a house you loved living in but had to sell.  Like a marriage that just didn't work out.  Like friends you grew apart from.  Like a hobby you enjoyed but simply took up too much of your time.  I've had to give up, not just one name with Chris, but 3 names.  Chloe.  The girls.  My daughter.

Fortunately, each of the names I have had to give up have been replaced.  By Chris.  By the twins.  By my son.  But the old names will never be forgotten.  Not by me.  It's like we are all now living another life with somewhat of a different person; a person different than who I thought she would be, thought they would be.

That's okay.  We are all slowly moving on and at least we are all living.  And ... I still have all the memories.  Doors close and doors open ...

What a Difference a Year Can Make

I began wrapping Christmas presents today, mostly those we are giving to our kids.  I know last year, when I wrote the tags for Chris's presents I labeled them to Chloe.  That wasn't the case today.  The presents I bought for Chris I labeled to Chris.  Strangely, it didn't bother me.  I didn't hesitate when I wrote his name; I just wrote it on the tags and placed those presents under the tree like I have done many Christmas' before.

It was just after Christmas last year that Chloe left this letter for me and her father:

Mom (and Dad, if you're reading this),

I love you.  I could not have asked for better parents.  It is because of you that I am everything and have everything that I have today.  You always taught me with love and compassion, you taught me right from wrong, you taught me to be proud and most of all you taught me to be myself.  You could not possibly have raised me better.

I have struggled with this for some time, it's hard to communicate exactly what I feel about myself.  I have felt uneasy with my identity, specifically my gender, for several years now.  It has weighted on me, most days the dysphoria being unbearable.  You know when you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach about something, and you can't quite explain it, but you know something is just ... off?  That is the closest I can get to explaining how wrong it feels for me to be seen as, referred to, and recognized as female.  These feelings have weighed on me, causing anxiety and depression to the point that I feel as if I do not make this change I will not be able to continue living like this.  I need to be me, the person I feel like I am on the inside.  That may seem dramatic, but it's true.  I have put off this decision as long as I could, but now it's frankly a matter of life and death.  Living as something/someone you don't identify as is no way to live.

I know how difficult it has been having two gay daughters and you've been so supportive and come so far.  I hate to throw another "curve ball" your way.  However, I will not apologize for who I am.  I know it's not something you're familiar with and it's scary.  Trust me, it scares me too.  But if I could be happy and okay as I am, trust me, I would be.  This is going to be a long and difficult road for me, but I deserve to live my one life as who I was meant to be, and I hope you can learn to accept and support it.

I have started socially transitioning, going by male pronouns, going by my chosen male name (Chris - Christopher Nicholas), and speaking to my therapist has helped me by speaking with an unbiased individual about all of this and getting me one step closer to physically transitioning come the New Year.  I am going to look at starting hormones.  In the meantime, I ask that you try to see me and accept me as a boy.  If calling me Chris is too hard at first, please try using male or at least gender neutral pronouns.  If that is too hard at first then I merely ask that you stop referring to me as she/her and "daughter".

I love you both so much and I always want to make you proud.  I don't want this to be hard on you.  I want us to have an open line of communication.  I will answer any of your questions that I can, provide any articles or information you desire.  I know I will have to speak to you more in depth, as well as to Billy, Alexis and the rest of the family and friends when the time comes.  I want you to know that none of this is a reflection on you both as parents, on the contrary, because you are such incredible parents is why I have the strength and courage to do this for myself.

I wanted to write you this as a letter because I wanted to be able to formulate my thoughts and because I knew it would be difficult for me to talk about at first.  I also wanted to give you both time to process before you respond, in whatever form you choose.

I love you both more than words can say.  I hope you can learn to love me as your son the way you've always loved me as your daughter.

On December 29th of last year, several days after I had read this letter from Chloe, I sat down and wrote a long letter myself.  I'm not going to recite it here, as it was lengthy and rambled quite a bit, but the gist of that letter was telling Chloe that I loved her, no matter what, but that I could not call her by a new name or easily support or accept what she wanted or was doing.  I never sent that letter to New York.  As a matter of fact, I didn't speak to Chloe for many days, and when I did I was filled with fear and sadness and anger that lasted many, many months.

We are now a year later and ... I wrapped presents today and the ones meant for my first born child I tagged to ... Chris.

We have all come a long way in the last year, Chris most of all, of course, but I have too.  Chris seems very happy with the changes he's making to ensure his happiness.  I'm happy because he is happy ...

The Price of Happiness

You find yourself sometimes in life trying to spend money you do not have.  You go to use a debit card at a store and the transaction does not go through because you do not have enough money in your account.  You become embarrassed and scramble to find another card in your wallet that you can use to cover the transaction so you won't be forced to admit you do not have the money or abandon your purchase and walk away.  Sometimes you don't even really need the things you are trying to buy, but you will still pay with a credit card if you have it, simply to avoid the embarrassment.

People have asked me, "What if Chris changes his mind?  Can he go back?"  And they've also, innocently offered, "Well, maybe he'll change his mind.  Maybe it's just a phase."

This is not a purchase he does not need.  This is a basket of groceries he can not afford, but he has to have them.  It's hard to understand the urgency of needing a thing so badly and then trying to rally the support and guidance you need to ensure a safe and accurate road to success.  Could Chris change his mind?  Of course.  Could he go backwards from where he is right now - from where he will be once he goes through with top surgery and then maybe even bottom surgery in the future?  Of course.  Is that something he has worked into his plan? I don't believe so.  I don't believe Chris would ever go back to an identity that, for whatever reasons, tortured him.  He will and has to find a way to rally all the support and finances and courage to continue this journey to the end.

I said to a friend today that our denying acceptance is the same as our denying joy to our transgender children.  There are few times in life where we would consciously deny our children joy, yet, we, as mothers, as parents, resist acceptance of this with almost everything we have inside of us.  It is such a battle I have had with myself - the line between accepting and approval.  Accepting easily, early on, was not a possibility.  No matter how many people urge you to be at peace with the inevitable, urge you to accept, there was no way to easily reconcile all the worries and anger and confusion into some simple idea that things were going to be okay - for me or for Chris.  It has taken time - months - to work through the battle I have had with myself to where I finally came to a point of acceptance.  I know almost the exact moment when I gave in to myself - when I chose acceptance over my own desires and fears.  Approval came quickly after that moment of acceptance, because once I committed to allowing this change (in Chris's life and in my life) then I had to offer my approval or the acceptance would mean nothing.  I say "allowing" because that is what you do - you concede.

Were these conscious decisions on my part?  Yes.  I have said it before in previous posts I've written here.  It's a matter of laying yourself down for your child.  Laying down every worry and fear and belief and resistance to the point that you are putting all of theirs above any of your own, so they will survive in the only way they believe and know they can.  When I began to really hear and see that Chris's existence, his survival, his happiness depended so much on my acceptance and approval, it was then that I laid myself down for him.  The journey that got me to that point was like standing in that line, not having the money to pay and searching my wallet for a card - any card - that I had that would pay for this purchase.   I knew I would find a card at some point.  It took me a while because, like so many of us mothers, I was looking for the card that would save Chloe and there was none. When I finally stopped looking for a card to save Chloe and found the card that was meant to save Chris ... it also saved me.

Smiles Can Disguise Sadness

We had Thanksgiving together; my mother, my sister and her husband, my brother and his family, my nephew and his family, all of my family.  There were about 18 of us in my house. After Thanksgiving, Chris posted some pictures on Facebook that he had taken.  I noticed there was a comment on the post from my mother saying, "Thanks, Chris.  I love all the pictures."

She called him Chris.

I noticed.  I also know that it was intentional on her part, as she could just as easily said, "Thank you, sweetie," like she often does when trying to figure out what to call him when she is finding it so difficult to call him by his new name.

I call him Chris most often now.  It is only when I occasionally slip that I call him Chloe.  It doesn't hurt as much anymore and there isn't angry resistance like there was several months ago, but there is still a part of my brain that remembers the girl I knew.  A part of my brain that forgets where we are and what Chris is going through.  It's like everything you allow time to heal or destroy.  Given enough time and your heart and mind adjusts.  I have often said that I don't think I will ever let Chloe go, but now I know that is not true.  I am letting her go, day by day.  I am allowing Chris to take her place because his presence and his life is more important and more powerful than any dreams I had, any hopes I had, any beliefs I had ... for Chloe.

My mother said his name.  She gave that to him to make him stronger, just as I have done.  We are not your normal, "traditional" family, that's for sure, but, what I know about this family is that Chris being transgender or any of my children being gay will not destroy any of us.  I am watching, experiencing and learning how we are all growing stronger, maybe because we are all being forced to travel this road with Chris.  I say "forced" because that is the truth of it; we have no other choice. Each day that passes and Chris grows more into himself, Chloe vanishes more and more into distant memories.

I was looking at this picture the other day of Chloe from her first birthday.  She was smiling and perfectly posed like a porcelain doll.  I stood and stared at that beautiful photo for a long time.  I caught myself trying to find Chris in the face and eyes of the baby I had named Chloe Nicole.  I never saw Chris in that baby's face.  Maybe because I didn't want to.  Maybe because Chris was not there yet.  Maybe because there was a smile on Chloe's face and a smile can easily disguise sadness.

My mother said his name.  We are all growing stronger so we can help Chris wash the sadness away ...

He is the Lights of the City ...

I have thought a lot about what I feel about transgender people lately.  Before knowing that I would find myself thinking about this nearly all the time, I was like most people, I think, that rarely had any thoughts.  It was something I found strange.  It was something I would only see on television.  It was something I did not understand, nor did I ever take the time to understand or feel the need to dissect until I understood.  It was something that really did not touch my world.

After visiting New York for the first time last year, I told people how much I loved it and how, for me, it was either exactly like I imagined or better.  I had only ever heard about New York through others or seen it on television; depicted romantically or negatively in movies, sitcoms or documentaries.  A lot of negative has been said about New York over the years, and yet, I guess, I always chose to ignore the negative and view it romantically, as when I visited there (many times over the last 18 months), I seldom saw or experienced anything that did not support my romantic feelings about New York - even though negative existed.

That's how it has sort of evolved for me - my relationship with transgender people.  I guess I chose to view them as a part of life I had never experienced but somehow accepted as a unique, yet strange, population of people that helped to form humanity into something greater than it already was.  When I found out that Chris was transgender I forgot that I had these feelings.  When I found out that Chris was transgender all I was consumed with (even now, sometimes) was how do I stop trying to dissect this thing to the point to where I truly understand it?  Now that I am intimately entrenched in a community and the experience, with a child, that has pulled me out of a pixelated world of television and movies and into a reality that is not romantic at all - forced me onto a journey where I have spent months mourning one child so that I can openly embrace another - now that I am here, I am doing my best to fight off the negative that tries to drown me and only focus on how to help make this story end happily.  The problem is I often find myself on my tip-toes struggling to see past the crowd of people in front of me so I can see the beauty of the city lights.

I am the crowd in front of me.  Chris doesn't even know how much I am coming to realize that he is the lights of the city ...

Broken Hearts and Battle Lines ...

I got a call from my daughter, Courtney.  She was very upset - saying she'd gotten into a fight with my mother.  She had gone to her grandmother's house to watch the Spurs game with her.  After spending some time watching the game, discussion arose about Chris, but my mother didn't refer to him as Chris, but as Chloe, even when Courtney would correct her several times.  Courtney went on to describe to me the heated discussion she and my mother had about how difficult my mother was finding it to call Chris by his new name or using "he" or "him" when she spoke about him.  Courtney told me how she tried to make it clear to my mother that it was and is very important to Chris that we all call him by his new name and use male pronouns when referring to him.  Courtney told me how she tried to make it clear that Chris is transitioning and that nothing is going to stop that and that his life and happiness depends on these changes, as well as others accepting and supporting him.  My mother went on to state her position on the subject - which was really the first time I or any of us had heard her openly state that she "couldn't" call him Chris and that her beliefs were such that she was finding it all very difficult to accept.

My mother loves my kids immensely and has always been extremely close to Courtney and Chris. When she and I have had discussions about Chris' transitioning, she has always been very open minded and supportive, for Chris' sake, as she loves him so much.  But ... I have always known that she has deep feelings about Chris changing, and even though she does not openly discuss her worries or fears or disapproval, even, I always knew there were things she was not really saying, as I know my mother.

I told Courtney to take a deep breath and try to understand.  Courtney is not only Chris' closest friend and twin, but his greatest advocate (and vice-versa).  It seems to me that she feels it is her duty to help Chris as much as she can - even if it means going to battle for him with loved ones.  I told her to try and realize that people have to be given time to adjust, people have the prerogative of choosing to never accept or support, people have the right to stand strong by their beliefs, people need to lovingly and calmly be asked to do the best they can to help Chris with his transitioning by doing what he needs from them, people need to be given respect and encouragement when trying to create an alliance for Chris.  My mother will and does love Chris no matter what, but if you ask her how she really feels she might just tell you.  You have to be willing to hear other people's feelings and thoughts - as is the case with most matters of this magnitude.  Most of all, you just have to give people time.

I was in the car after that driving with Alexis.  She was using my phone for something and asked me why I still had Chris' name as Chloe in my phone.  I said it was because I just hadn't changed it yet. After that, she and I got into a heated discussion, as while we were talking I slipped and called Chris Chloe.  I finally stopped the fight she was trying to have with me by saying, "I'm doing the best I can, but sometimes I slip up."  She said, "I never slip up.  I always call him Chris."  I said, "I have known him as Chloe and called him Chloe for 23 years - called him Chloe probably a million times.  You have only known him as Chloe for 14 years and you can't really even count the first 3 or 4, so it's probably a little easier for you."

It just takes time to recondition ourselves.  It takes time to let go of a name so many of us are sad to let go of.  Some of us will do it easily, some not so easily, some not at all.  My mom and Courtney settled their differences and made up and since that day my mother and I have talked a bit about all this.  My mother is trying her best in a very strange and difficult situation, and through the course of the conversation I had with her I became aware that if she found herself in the position of having to go to battle for Chris with family or friends that might find difficulty accepting that Chris is transgender and that Chris and Courtney are gay, my mother would definitely go to battle to defend both of them, even if she struggles with so much with the things going on in their lives.

It is one of the hardest steps for family and friends of a transgender individual - calling them by a new name.  It is the first big step I took trying to move away from my fear and sadness and more toward acceptance.  The more I began to use Chris's new name and saw the light and happiness in his eyes when I did that, was when I began to see the light at the end of my dark tunnel.  The more I use his new name, the brighter the light becomes ...

I Might Lose My Way ...

Since Chris has moved back to Texas from New York about six weeks ago, I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with him.  In some ways, it has not been any different than all the times I spent with him over the years; before he was Chris.  Now, however, I am acutely aware that Chloe is gone, Chris is very prominent, and I am somehow more on the other side of fear and sadness and in a new place where many new emotions and experiences surround me.

You go through so many days where you have to make so many choices about this thing.  You have to make choices for yourself, for your family, for friends, for your child.  The hardest choice of all was in the beginning (for me, 10 months ago) - during the first several months when you have to decide if you will and then how you will accept this thing that will change your life from how you had always known it and how you believed it would be.  It was back in May that I told my husband, "Our daughter is now a boy.  Call him Chris, not Chloe.  If you have the strength for this, then I have the strength for this."  The truth was ... I know now ... I was the one who had to find the strength because I was the one who would lead so many others to acceptance - even my husband.

You do not know how strong you are until God gives you a thing strong than you are.  I say this to myself all the time.  I have spent many, many days and months mourning the loss of Chloe.  It's like death - like someone came to me one day and said, "I'm going to take her away from you, but in her place I will give you this other child."  That is how it feels to be the mother of a transgender child.  If that were to, in fact, happen to any mother with any of her children, she would be devastated and angry and sad and rebellious and frightened - all, emotions that are very difficult to deal with and reconcile.  People constantly have tried to tell me that I am not losing my child.  The truth is - I have not lost my child, but I have had to say goodbye to Chloe.  Saying goodbye is never easy - especially when you are not the one walking away.

There were many moments when I thought about walking away.  I don't think about that anymore, but when I did, it was because I was overwhelmed - devastated, angry, sad, rebellious and frightened - all, emotions that are very difficult to deal with and reconcile.  As difficult as this journey is for a transgender child, it is also enormously difficult for their mothers, their fathers, their parents and family and friends.  Some will handle it with more grace than I have.  All I know is ... I give myself enormous credit for standing back up after every time I have fallen on this journey.  I've done that for myself, for my family, for my friends, but most of all I have done that for Chris.  But do not believe, for one moment, that my life through this journey does not matter or count or mean anything.  If I do not find a way to survive this journey, day to day and week to week and through every change and every obstacle that threatens to knock me back down to my knees ... there are others who might not survive it, as well.  It's important that I find peace, for Chris' sake.  It's important that I find peace, for my sake.  Someone said to me not long ago, "You're being selfish.  You are putting your child's needs behind your own here, and for what? Because you feel like you're losing a daughter?"  This person went on to say, "Move on."

Come into my house, take away my girl child and leave me with a boy child and then tell me to accept it and move on.   Only a crazy person would believe a mother could and would easily be able to do that ...

I am moving on, but not one minute before I have had what I feel is adequate amount of time for me to say goodbye to Chloe.  I may never completely say goodbye to her, I don't know.  I have and continue to support and embrace Chris - more completely and more easily everyday.  I am doing that with the love I have for my child - for Chris and for Chloe.  I, more than anyone, know that the soul of my child has not changed and that what is on the outside is not as important as what is on the inside.  It is not Chris' appearance that I struggle with - it is the becoming comfortable with his new identity.

I worked in a corporate environment for many years before I chose to quit and stay home with my children 23 years ago.  I distinctly remember how difficult the first year was; adjusting to my new life out of the workforce.  I remember telling people that I struggled with the adjustment because my job was so much a part of my identity and when it was gone I had to redefine who I thought I was.  That is exactly the same way it has felt traveling this road with Chris - knowing things as one way for a long time and identifying myself for 23 years as Chloe's mother, but then waking up one day and finding that Chloe will be gone and I am now the mother to Chris.

My advice to people who do not have children is to be very careful when trying to advise those of us that do in how to raise them.  My advice to those who do not have gay or transgender children is to be very careful when trying to advise those of us that do in how to deal with it.  My advice to parents or mothers who are traveling a similar journey with a child who is transgender, like I am, is ... do the best you can for your child and make sure you care for yourself, as well, through the process.  The truth of the matter is that no one can make you get up if you don't want to, but you have to get up and go on, you have to find a way to survive this struggle to the point where you are stronger than your worries or fears or sadness or anger.  You have to survive for your child.  You have to get up ...

We Are Both Butterflies

There's a beginning point, a middle point and an ending to every situation in life.  Every so often, as I am traveling this journey with Chris being transgender, I wonder where we are at.  While the beginning was a little over ten months ago now for me, Chris' beginning happened several years ago, and in so many ways I know that Chris is way farther into his journey than I am, maybe in the middle.  For me, it feels like I am viewing life through a kaleidoscope - where the images keep shifting to produce a new picture, but your mind knows the images you see are made from the same collection of colored shards just shifted and thrown together differently.  If you have the same collection of shards just thrown together and shifted to create different images, you have to know that you are at the beginning of something and it will not change until and unless the shards are changed.  I seem to be stuck in the beginning of this journey, even though much has and is shifting around me.

When I found out my twins were gay I went through stages of accepting the reality and modifying my life to embrace the reality.  I reached a stage, rather quickly, where I became comfortable and could breathe easily for several years.  Then ... Courtney became engaged to her partner (Courtney also) and another reality hit me that I had to adjust to, accept and embrace.  They aren't married yet, but when they do there will come a day when they will/might want children and that will be another strange hurdle I will need to adjust to, accept and embrace.  Before they were engaged, I do not remember ever truly realizing that that would/could happen one day.  I don't know why - maybe denial, but when it happened it was sort of a shock.  Chris came out as transgender to my husband and I in late December 2014.  If you think it might be difficult to foresee or predict the things you might encounter with a gay child, imagine how lost you would be with a transgender child - never knowing what will or can happen next to shock you or bring you to your knees.

You sort of prepare yourself for the obvious things you know or think or believe will happen, but you can not foresee everything if you are, not only an emotional mess for many months, but also thrown into a situation you really know nothing about.  There are many stages a female transgender individual goes through to transition,  Some I am aware of are wearing different clothing, changing their hair, taking on a new name, wearing binders to hide their breasts, wearing other items to appear and feel more masculine, going to therapy, taking testosterone, having others call them by male pronouns.  All of these stages Chris has or is going through.  He is becoming more masculine in appearance - his body is changing, the shape of his face is changing, his voice is deeper, he is growing thicker hair on his legs and under arms.  It's sort of like watching in slow motion a caterpillar build a cocoon and then begin to emerge as a butterfly; changing slowly before your eyes.

I went to a concert with Chris and Courtney in October.  I don't remember exactly, but I realized somewhere in that night that Chris was using the Men's restroom and not the women's anymore.  I think he said something about how they had gum or cologne or something in the Men's restroom.  I think I even responded with how there was nothing like that in the Women's restroom.  When it hit me, I went through several layers of emotions.  I was curious, but I didn't ask.  I was scared, I think.  I was shocked.  I was worried.  We were having such a fun night together and I guess I didn't want to dwell on how I felt about this thing. This part of the journey I had not thought about.  This part of the journey that, once again, made me uncomfortable and fearful.  My thoughts were not embarrassment on any level or anger or frustration at all.  My thoughts were threefold.  First was curiosity. I wondered how Chris had become brave enough to do this?   How long had he been doing this?  How does it feel to him to be among men in such a private and strange environment?  Did he feel vulnerable?  Scared?  How did he become so brave? Secondly, I was scared for Chris.  My mind visualized him walking into the Men's restroom alone.  My mind and heart saw, still, that part of him I view as Chloe and I feared for her and wanted to protect her and help her do this.  Thirdly, I wondered if he wanted me to acknowledge this new change, that I didn't. I know the truth about why I did not, other than my not wanting to disturb our night together with the possibility that I might somehow allow myself to be dragged to some dark place if I pondered the situation too much.  The truth is ... as with so much of this road we are on with Chris, sometimes I go to a place of silence as a way to protect myself.  It's denial.  If I don't talk about it then it doesn't exist.

How can I have fear and concern and even pride for Chris in this situation, above everything, and still refuse to step over that line to where I easily and openly embrace and help him through the things he must struggle with, the things he must want to discuss, the things that are huge steps in his transitioning?  I don't know, but today I am ashamed.  He did not flaunt what he was doing.  He did not throw it in my face or even tell me what he was doing.  He simply and bravely got up from his seat, walked across the club to the Men's restroom and went inside.  When he returned, he was not gloating about how brave he was or whining about how difficult it might have been.  He simply smiled so sweetly, sat beside me and we went on as if nothing was strange.  He went silent on the subject, too.  But I think it did that for me.

As I am writing this post tonight, I stopped and sent Chris a text telling him that I am sorry and ashamed that I do not easily and openly ask him questions or encourage him to have conversations with me about his transitioning.  I told him I want that to change and that I will do my best to help make that change.  Luckily, I am not the only person Chris has to talk to about things, but what if I was?  I am his mother, but I can not claim to be his mother if I do not act like his mother.

There are so many things that happen and can happen and are yet to happen on this journey.  I started this post feeling and believing I was stuck in the beginning and after writing all of this I realize it is because I am not pushing myself to move forward, sometimes.  I had an awakening tonight as I was writing and mentally reliving that night at the concert with Chris.  I saw him so clearly, so quietly walking too much of this journey with me silent.

We are both like caterpillars inside of our own kind of cocoon, only Chris is the one brave enough, with or without me, to make himself into a butterfly.  It's time I come out of my cocoon so I can see how beautiful he is going to be ...

I Dance Around Fires

I am not your "normal" mother.  I am not your "normal" 54-year-old woman.  I don't know when it was that I decided that I was more comfortable living outside of any lines, but it is where I have almost always spent most of my time.  I often compare myself to a gypsy, as they are wanderers and travelers and they dance around fires.  People sometimes tell me to keep living life the way I do, as it is clear that I love life. Sometimes people tell me they live vicariously through me.

I grew up the middle child of three; quiet and shy and often shadowed by an older sister that was joyful and filled with laughter and words she knew how to use to fill every conversation.  She was like our father and mother - so confident and so loved by others.  I admired her ability to easily fit into the world - how she had honed all of her talents of conversation and diplomacy - even as a child.  I watched her for years - taking center stage for all of us kids so perfectly.  I laughed and smiled, just as everyone did, at her joy-filled personality and pleasant demeanor.  She did everything I never knew how to do nor had to do because she did it for me; broke the ice, paved the way.  For many, many years, I lived vicariously through my sister.

Maybe that is when and where I learned how to love life so much.  Maybe, even though it took me many years to spread my wings, I learned through her how to do it.  Because ... I came out of the shadows one day, found my own voice and my own stage ... a stage that was strangely away and outside of the lines.

I wondered what sort of children I would have - being a mother, a person, who found herself wandering for so long trying to find her own self.  Looking back on all of it now, I know that it was after I had my children that I became more confident and happy - they were my stage.  My children would not describe me as ever being shy or quiet - and that is because I was no longer that person once I had them.  I worried about my children, constantly.  I wanted them to be confident and leaders and funny and smart and happy and I wanted them all to be aware of what they had to offer the world and make the most of it, from the very beginning of their lives.  I didn't want them living in any shadows, not ever.  As they each grew older I began to see that each of them were developing very strong personalities, very strong wills, very sure identities and beliefs about themselves.  Even my youngest, who has three siblings to constantly compete with for attention and to be heard, is very strong-willed and self assured.  And all, are very loud.  All are leaders.

In a lot of ways, my children have fought not to live in my shadow and I am very proud of all of them for that.  It takes a very strong will to step into your own light and stay there.  In many ways, my twins paved that path for their younger siblings, because they were and are so strong and intelligent and determined to make their own way in this world - paths that are not traveled by very many and paths that they seem very sure about.  Being gay can be difficult, and yet, both Courtney and Chris travel this path with confidence and certainty.  Battling gender dysphoria and now being trans has been a dramatic and traumatic road for Chris to travel, so much on his own, and yet he has battled through so much of the journey with dignity and strength.  His journey is far from over, but he will survive and be happy, I just know it, because he is strong and wise.  I sometimes wonder where my children's strength comes from, but then I remember how strong they have had to be to live with me as their mother.

I received a hateful private message not long ago on fB from a woman who said to me, "You have major issues. No wonder your daughters are the exact opposite of you! Good gosh never seen anything like it. I hope one day u get the help you need."

I don't know what you do with this sort of message other than delete the hateful person who sent it and then also take a moment to question the validity of such a statement.  It did not take this message from a stranger to make me question how who I was and am affects who my children are turning out to be.  I guess I won't truly know all the answers, but what I do know is this ... I have loved them all deeply.  I have taught them all right from wrong.  I have seen how they are loved by others and how they offer love freely and easily.  I have witnessed their struggles and how they deal with adversity with dignity and grace.  I have seen their ambitions pave amazing paths in their lives.  I have seen how they have mindfully taken the best parts of their father and I and woven those traits and beliefs into the fabric of their lives.  

My children are not me, but that is the most amazing part about who they are, as they found their way around me to become exactly who they want to be.  Somewhere in all of the chaos and madness and love affair that is our lives, I taught them that, and for that I am very proud and forever thankful, as the opposite of me is my children that also live outside of the lines, beyond any shadows, on their stage under their very own lights.  Me ... I will continue to be who I am despite what others think, because I have spent my whole life searching for the fires I will dance around and they say ... "Your vibe attracts your tribe" and I must have a pretty cool vibe because I have the coolest tribe ever ... 

If You Love Something ...

I was at a friend's house recently visiting.  We talked about this and we talked about that.  The subject came up about Chris at one point and my friend asked, "How is all of that going?  For you, I mean?" I went on to tell her that it is going well, but not before she also said, "You don't have to talk about it if it's too difficult."  I offered her details and stories.  She's a good friend who cares about our family and about me and she listened with a smile on her face.  She asked many questions that I openly answered.  She never implied through her words or actions that she was grateful that all that we were discussing was happening to me and my child and not her and hers, but ... I always wonder if that is not what people are thinking.

I have often been told that "this is not about you," and yet, if it was not about me then how is it that so often people ask me how I am doing through all of this?  People often tell me that they can't imagine how difficult this all must be and always offer supportive words of wisdom and encouragement, but it is always apparent that people realize that, as a mother, as a parent, this must be very hard; having a transgender child.  Unless you are living this, it is true, you really can not comprehend the difficulty.

I went to a Chris Young (country artist) concert with Chris and Courtney a few nights before this visit I had with my friend.  There was a huge crowd at the concert.  Chris, Courtney and I had gotten to the venue early enough to grab some bar stools to sit on.  As the venue began to fill with people, a large crowd gathered behind where we sat to view the concert.  I was sitting next to Chris at one point, had my hand on his back and was rubbing his back and shoulders as we talked.  When I glanced over my shoulder I caught the couple behind us watching.  I was aware of how they looked at us; not mean or with disgust or anything, just with curiosity.  I smiled at them and then turned my attention back to Chris, thinking, "I know we're not your "normal" family, but I'm certain these people see, not only that, but also how much we love each other."   I was and am proud anytime I am with Chris (and Courtney) and I am always so happy they allow me and want me to spend time with them.  I would venture to say that it is more challenging for Chris to be with me, at times, than it has ever been for me to be with him, as I am not your "normal" sort of mother and I sometimes dress and act a little wild - haha!

One of the things I realized way back when I found out my twins were gay was that they will live their lives, our children, with or without our approval or acceptance about things they do and if we do not be very careful we could easily lose them.  Courtney told me several times, back when I was really having difficulty accepting Chris being transgender, that if she was forced to choose between me or Chris, she would choose Chris.  And she would have.  And I would and could have lost both of them.  I never reached the point where I turned away completely, but there were times when I thought I might.  I'm certainly glad I didn't because I don't know if Chris could actually survive without me in his life, but I do know that I do not believe I could survive without him.

Do you know that saying, "If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was?"  Well, that's how it was and is sometimes for me with Chris and Courtney.  They live their lives and set me free to decide if I will fly away or stay and be in theirs.  I don't know if this is how they see things, but it is how I see things.  I am forced to choose my love for them over my worries and fears, sometimes.  I don't know if they realize I would never fly away.  My greatest fear has always been that ... my children will fly away and never come back to me ...

Every Person is Some Mother's Child

Sometimes I meet new people and we get to talking.  They ask what I do.  I ask what they do.  They ask if I have children.  I tell them ... I have four children - twin daughters that are 23, a son who is 18 and a younger daughter who is 14.  Unless these are people who are going to be in my world for any length of time, I don't mention that I have a twin daughter who is transgender.

If Chris were a fly on the wall and heard when I do this, I am certain it would hurt him, but ... I do not do it to hurt him or disrespect him. I don't do it out of embarrassment or to hide anything.  I do it because it is very difficult to explain, and, honestly, it is like anything intimate in your life that you do not necessarily wish to share with strangers - it is personal and unless they are part of my intimate world, I do not find it necessary to involve them in this journey we are all on.  I don't want to hear their opinions or see strange looks.  I don't want to put them in a position of having to deal with me if it came down to me having to defend my child - because I would.  Most people that I have offered this information to - friends whom I have grown closer with, listen with an open mind and are supportive of Chris and of me.

It is so strange how Chris' transition is changing me.  As hard as I sometimes internally fight it, my heart is completely with him.  If I were put in a position of having to battle for him on this subject - battle to protect him against anyone or anything - I would totally be there in front of him to defend all that he is doing to make his life better.  I am not at the point of complete trust, but I raised this amazing child and I have complete faith that he is intelligent and wise and I am growing more and more to trust that he knows what he is doing, and so ... because I am putting my faith and trust in his care for his own life, I am aligning behind him far quicker than I ever thought I would.

There were more times than I can count when I went to battle for my kids for one reason or another. There were emails and memos sent to teachers or coaches or Principals or Superintendents of the school district on their behalf over the years. I even had some teachers and coaches threaten my daughters when they were in high school, saying, "And don't let me get an email from your mother about this."  It never stopped me.  If I felt my children were wronged in some way, I was their advocate and I did not hesitate to call a meeting or send a message to someone to remind them that they were not just dealing with my children, but they were also dealing with me, when it came to my children's success or fair treatment in the world.  It has not happened yet, but one day it will - the day I will go to battle with someone to protect Chris again - and I will be there - even if I have my own internal demons that battle with me over all that is going on in his life.


I am Chris' mother - no matter what.  He knows that I struggle with all of this and I know he struggles with me because of that.  He also knows me well enough to know that if I intended my battle toward him ... he would know it.  My battle is not with Chris.  My battle is with me - my mother's child.

Every person is some mother's child.  It is when you fight her that you find out how fierce your battle will be ...

A Maze of Broken Dreams

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was pregnant with triplets - two were girls and one was a boy; the girls were identical twins.

In this dream lives a story that someone could easily take and weave into a movie or book one day. As with most all dreams, what appears on the surface is not necessarily a reality, but more likely symbolical - maybe a prediction or fear or wish.  Someone might weave this dream into a story of an omen of a thing to come or a reflection of a thing that happened.  Because I know this story, I know it is a thing that happened. Because I know this story, I do not have to decipher the dream's meaning. Because I know this story, I know that it is not a prediction but a reflection.

There are two types of dreams.  Those you can consciously control.  Those where you design in your mind with hopes and desires.  Those you formulate with eyes wide open.  Then there are those you weave while you sleep.  The ones you have no control over how they play out.  Doctors say that every person must dream in their sleep or they will die.  Strange, that the dreams we have no control over and can be bizarre and incomprehensible are those that sustain our existence, while those we tediously and reverently take time to meticulously create in our waking hours sometimes feel like they will be the ones to kill us.

When I gave birth to my twin daughters, I had so many dreams for them.  Never in any of those dreams did I hope a day would come where one of them would suffer with identity dysphoria and one day announce that she did not identify as female, was not comfortable in her female body and ultimately make the decision to reassign her gender.  If you took a dream that seemed beautiful and perfect on the surface and then twisted it into a nightmare, that would describe how it felt when I learned this about one of my beautiful twin daughters.

Fortunately, with sleep-induced nightmares, you always wake before you fall to your death.  The problem with wakeful nightmares is you have to find your way out of them before you allow them to devour you.  With one, your mind saves you.  With the other, your awake mind can destroy you.

This all sounds dramatic and crazy, but it's sort of like you are walking along on this straight path and then suddenly find yourself in a maze you can not find your way out of, and so, it feels crazy and frantic for a time.  You find it nearly impossible to align everything into a place in your mind where it fits comfortably because your original dream is shattered into a million tiny pieces you have to figure out how to put back together again to survive.  A dream you believed you needed and wanted and worked hard to design to survive.  And isn't that what waking dreams are?  Designs we create to survive our lives?

We all encounter times when our dreams are shattered and we have to find a way to go on. Sometimes, after you survive a storm you thought you could never weather, you look back and breathe and see that even through all the drama and craziness you came out stronger and wiser and happier, even, because of the storm.  Sometimes, even, the storm you weathered was not really your storm at all, but someone else's.  Sometimes you find that, if you are strong enough and brave enough to sacrifice your dream for someone else's ... it helps you both survive.

Letting go of dreams can be very hard.  What I am learning through this journey with Chris is how to let go and then design new ones using his desires and hopes as the foundation and a guiding light away from the maze of my broken dreams toward a new path of dreams I didn't know I would ever have ...

Beyond the Gray

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago.  The ceremony was held in a beautiful Catholic church. Several times when the Priest spoke he read passages from the bible about marriage - about how God created woman for man - how their union was his divine plan - how marriage was a sacred union between a man and a woman, in God's eyes.  As he went on, it was clear to me that this Priest was not only reciting these passages for the bride and groom for their wedding day, but also that he was making his position pretty clear on same-sex marriages.

As I listened to this Priest preach from the bible things I have always believed myself (I am Christian, but not Catholic), I still found myself becoming angry.  I watched as my friend's daughter was standing there in her beautiful gown, fixing to marry the man of her dreams, and suddenly felt so out of place.  Not in a bad way, but because my oldest children (Chris and Courtney) are gay - Courtney currently engaged to her girlfriend - I realized that my husband and I were sitting in that church with 150 or so other people and I knew that we were likely among a very small minority that would one day be participating and viewing a far different sort of marriage ceremony.  I was not envious of my friend, who was able to see her desires unfold just as she likely always imagined - seeing her daughter walk down the aisle toward a future husband - I was frustrated to be in a minority of people that other people might not simply view as people that found themselves in lives where some of their similar desires do not come true.  I was frustrated with a Priest that alienated my children so easily by simply quoting passages from the bible, and then went on to say that our God is a loving and patient God.

I believe in God and I believe in the bible.  I also happen to believe that there is no sin greater than the other.  I think that God is too brilliant to have given man choice and then punish him constantly for the choices he makes.  I do believe in right and wrong, but the variations of right and wrong in any given situation might be enormous.  And ... maybe it is not that people are choosing same-sex relationships/marriages that is God's test, but how the rest of us deal with it.  Wouldn't that be a far greater challenge to place on man, if you were a brilliant God?

I don't know what is right or wrong, I just know where we find ourselves, sometimes.  If I believe same-sex relationships/marriage are wrong, do I then alienate myself from my children and their friends?  Do I spend all of my time trying to sway them to believe as I do - change them to do as I wish?  Is tolerance the true test and answer?  Loving them regardless?  I know the story of Adam and Eve.  I know that God offered man choice in the very beginning.  Eve ate from the tree of Good and Evil and sin was born.  I completely believe in God and I believe that any human He created was intentionally created with weakness as well as strength. I believe a brilliant God could have just as easily created a perfect human without flaws.  I believe He created beings that He intended to make mistakes, question right from wrong, make choices that others disagree with, etc.  I believe the journey we all travel through every experience can lead to light or darkness, but we, as humans, constantly fight to work our ways toward light.  I believe it is the battles that form the light we all strive to unite together in.

Beyond my twins being gay, I am also dealing with a child who is transgender.  I have no desire to hear or know the opinion of a Priest or Pastor on what they might believe are the sins my gay children or my transgender child are committing against God.  I do not believe that my children believe they are committing any sins - I believe they are simply living their lives as they need to and choose to.  In a letter Chris wrote to my husband and I back in December 2014, he said, "I love you. I could not have asked for better parents.  It is because of you that I am everything and have everything that I have today.  You always taught me with love and compassion, you taught me right from wrong, you taught me to be proud and most of all you taught to me to be myself.  You could not possibly have raised me better."  He went on later in the letter to say, "I want you to know that none of this is a reflection on you both as parents.  On the contrary, because you are such incredible parents is why I have the strength and courage to do this for myself."

Is it possible that I, someone who grew up going to church (Baptist) every time the church doors were open on Sundays and Wednesdays and summers and revivals and camps and hundreds of hours spent in church pews and Christian gatherings for many many years - someone who has a very strong faith and love for God - is it possible that, even though I have struggled, personally, with some issues, that God gave these children to me and my husband because he knew that it would take true Christians to help such children survive in our world?  Maybe so.  I have never questioned God with regard to my children - I have only ever thanked him for giving them to me.  I have never felt betrayed or abandoned through the struggles I have personally experienced, on the contrary.  Even though I have often questioned myself - wondering if I led them wrong somehow - wondering if I was a poor example as a mother, a woman, a parent - wondered if I failed to define boundaries I might should have defined more clearly - wondered so many things ... I have never questioned that I am helping raise some of the most amazing, unique, talented, loving, wise and driven people I have ever known.

My children make mistakes and I have made mistakes with them, that is true; we're not perfect, but ... neither they nor I will leave this world not having made a difference, somehow.  One day I will watch Courtney become married to her girlfriend.  One day I will look at Chris and see him completely as male and no longer female.  These are not events I ever imagined in my world, nor have I even known how to deal with, sometimes, nor how to prepare myself to handle perfectly or even gracefully, but ... I believe when those days come that I will know for certain that it is exactly how things were meant to be.  Maybe our successfully surviving all of it will be the most important imprint my family and I leave on other people's lives.  Maybe those of us wandering on the strange and not so "normal" paths are not really out of place or living in shadows, as it might appear to others, but maybe we are, in fact, those beyond the gray and living in the light ...

Wings of a Feather

I have a friend who has a niece who is also transgender.  Her niece transitioned from female to male several years ago - long before I was even aware that my daughter would come out in December of 2014 as transgender.  Over time, my friend and I had talked about her niece and the difficulties her transition caused in their family.  My friend had described, many times, how she and her husband, and so many in their family, had and were dealing with the niece with support and love and yet that sometimes did not seem to be enough for the niece.  My friend would describe the "anger" her niece had/has toward people that were not informed or were naive when it comes to transgender issues and the transgender community.  My friend would tell of how the niece would push and push for more acceptance, even when her family felt and believed they were being as accepting as possible in a very difficult and strange situation to them.  I would listen, from a distance, to my friend talk about her niece.  While I had met her niece several times, I did not really know her and have not seen her since she transitioned.

I mention this because I have encountered some of this with Chris.  Not so much the "anger", but a persistent desire on Chris' part for me to sort of educate other people.  While at a dinner not long ago, there were some individuals who mistakenly referred to Chris as "she".  It happens often - at parties, in family gatherings, when I slip up and forget.  Chris catches these slips and it wears on him, so much so that he often makes a point of telling me that I need to correct people.  This wears on me.  I do correct my husband when he slips now.  I correct family members when they slip.  But I am not comfortable correcting everyone.  When others slip, I immediately recognize the slip, but I do not feel it is necessary for me to educate everyone on what is going on with Chris.  Part of the process of Chris' transition, is people learning, mostly on their own and on their own terms, that he does not see himself as a "she".  There is a fine line for me between being Chris' advocate (as I have always been as his mother) and being the person who filters how people perceive and treat him.  I would not sit by and allow anyone to blatantly mistreat Chris, but I do not see other people's mistakes, or even their resistance to complete acceptance, if that be the case, as mistreatment.  In some cases, it feels to me, that if I were to correct people, it might alienate them further away.  If someone is aware that Chris is transgender and makes the mistake of calling him "she", very often they catch their mistake and correct it.  Sometimes they don't.  I guess it might seem to Chris that my not correcting people is sort of disrespecting him.  It's not that at all.  For a while it was uncomfortable for me when someone would use "him" and not "her" referring to Chris.  Now, I am more comfortable with that.  However, I am now at the point where it feels like we are in an "in-between" stage - where Chris was a girl in December but is now taking testosterone and transitioning to male, but has not fully transitioned, and therefore, it is logical to me that people would be confused.  Because of this I don't feel the need to correct their mistake.  People need time, just as I have needed time, to learn and be a certain way with Chris.

It's my belief that Chris has struggled tremendously with his identity.  We all have issues with our identity that we struggle with, on some level, so I can understand, to some degree, what it has felt like for him to look in the mirror and not be happy with the person he sees.  I would never suggest that I have experienced any sort of dysphoria, but I can comprehend Chris' struggle, if even on just a minute level.  And so ... I suspect that individuals with identity dysphoria who come out, finally, as transgender, who make that ultimate decision to transition - I suspect that once they have reached that part of their struggle, their journey, that they would want and need for others to fall quickly in line behind them in accepting and embracing the changes.  I suspect that once they reach the point of making the changes that they are, in some ways, at their strongest and weakest point in their lives, and because they have reached the point of making the hardest decision they will ever make, they need and want others to be completely and quickly supportive and informed, so as to not cause anymore trauma in their lives than necessary.

The problem is ... people seldom fall in line easily about anything.  The problem is ... people do not act or react in situations the way we always want.  This sort of situation is foreign to most people. Most people have no experience with transgender individuals or with how to deal with an individual who is transitioning.  The transgender community is growing in strength and numbers every day and that is a good thing for transgender individuals who need and want others to turn to and rely on for support and assistance and friendship.  For those of us who are outside of that community, it will take time, as with anything foreign to us, for us to learn.

Transgender individuals want and need our acceptance and support, but they can not, necessarily, expect either over night.  As much as they want our understanding, they, too, need to show understanding to those of us who are trying to learn and support them.  Our failing to call Chris "he" instead of "she" is not necessarily because we are resisting the change, but may be simply a momentary mistake.  It might be resistance, sometimes, on people's part, but resistance is their prerogative, and this, too, needs to be respected.  You can not demand that people accept something they refuse to accept.  I can understand Chris needing others to fall in line so as to insure a smooth transition for him, and I fear what it does to him when the acceptance and alliance does not come easily or quickly, but ... I have to believe that, like with most anything, if it's worth fighting for then it is worth it.  I have to believe that the amount of strength and courage it has taken Chris to get this far (with little help from anyone) that that same strength and courage will continue to carry him to a safe and happy place - even if he finds people continuously placing obstacles in his path along the way.

I see Chris at the top of his mountain, in some ways - ready to fly.  I can no longer stand at a distance, like I did with my friend's niece.  I am now traveling that same road, but even closer than my friend, as I am traveling it with my own child - watching as she sheds the feathers of one set of wings for another.  What I need to say to my child and even to my friend's niece is ... do not wait for what we do or say to give you additional strength, as you have done so much of the work on your own and it truly does not matter what others feel or think or say - you will fly if you give yourself the strength to fly ...

A Family Living Outside the Lines

When you find yourself in a room of people you might sit back and watch.  You might notice the clothes they are wearing.  You might listen to how they talk and what they are saying.  You might see certain people you would like to get to know and others you are sure you would have nothing in common with.  Most often, the situations you put yourself in where there are groups of people you do not know, you are comfortable even though you might be slightly uncomfortable because you subconsciously and mentally prepare yourself for what you might encounter in that situation, such as at a wedding.  You do not know who all you will meet or what might happen, but you prepare yourself for the encounters using the information you have.  And, most often, nothing strange or life-altering happens.  Most often it is a "normal" situation where people mingle superficially, you eat h'ordervs, listen to music and speeches and then you go home, having met a few new people but not necessarily anyone who will remain in your life.

Being the mother of a trans child offers the opportunity, if you allow it, of putting you (or "forcing" you) into situations where you might be around trans individuals other than your child.  It is a very unique situation - one that not many people will ever experience in their lives.  One you never saw yourself experiencing. It's sort of like going into a strip club - you might be very curious about what it would be like but you will never know unless you experience it.  It is not a place you would normally visit, but ... in some ways, putting yourself there might change how you see life.

There have been several occasions over the past 18 months where I found myself in a room or at a party I went to with Chris and Courtney where there were trans individuals.  I did not go to these gatherings necessarily always knowing there would be trans individuals there.  In recent months I have become more aware that the likelihood was high (I never asked), but early on I was sort of thrown into parties or gatherings where I was just there among them.  I've walked away from all of these occasions having had a great time and meeting some interesting, kind, fun and important people.  I've also walked away wondering how I felt about being among people and in a situation I never imagined I would ever be in.  What baffles me is that I have no real thoughts other than I had fun.  I have no thoughts of how odd it was, as one might expect.  I have no thoughts of ever being uncomfortable.  I have had moments where I was talking to someone who was trans and wondered how they looked before transitioning.  I've had moments of amazement where I momentarily inspected their faces or bodies and found myself intrigued and astonished by how "real" they look as a male (I have only met female to male trans individuals so far).  I've had moments when I wondered how hard it has been for all of them.  I've had moments where I wondered how hard it has been for all of their families. Beyond those moments there were hours of not thinking about it at all; just being there among them and enjoying the experience.  Beyond those moments there were times I realized that I was the outsider because I was still in the process of accepting them and their changes and their way of life, but I never felt as though anyone was judging me.  I give myself a lot of credit for fitting into a situation I never wanted to be in or wanted my child to be in, as somewhere in all of these moments I could have or maybe even should have felt out of place.  Somewhere in all of these moments I made myself fit into this world that scares me so much.

If you had asked me when I was 20 years old what I imagined my life would be like in the future, I would have said I wanted to be married and have children and pursue the things I love, like writing. If you had asked me if I thought I would have twins one day that would be gay and then one would experience gender dysphoria and become trans, I would have said no, as those ideas and obstacles did not fit into the image of the "perfect" world I saw for myself and the future of my children.  If I could go back and say things to my 20-year-old self, one of the things I would say is ... "There is no such thing as perfect.  And even if there was, it is not necessarily ideal.  Your life will not be as you expected, but you must continue to keep an open mind and an open heart because it will be those things that get you through those times when you think your world is falling apart - it will be those things that allow you to be at a party one day and meet amazing people you never would have met with a cold heart and closed mind.  It will be those things that remind you that you want your children happy, beyond anything else, and you will raise them to lead and not follow and they will be a reflection of you ... even if you can not truly comprehend the roads they travel.  It will be those things that allow you to be included and you will always want to be included in your children's lives."

If my life had been more "normal" I can't even imagine where we would all be.  If my twins were not gay but dating boys, instead, how would that fit into our world.  If Chris was not trans ... where would Chloe be now in her world.  I will never know what could have been, I only know what is, and one thing I know is that this family represents, in so many ways, the person I am.  In so many ways I follow a straight path, as it is the safest way to keep my life in order and going forward.  But ... I am and always have been one to stray off the path in search of excitement and new experiences I know were not available to me inside of any lines.  That is sort of how I see my family - a family outside of the lines.  The good thing about my family is that we are all out there together - traveling paths not everyone would choose or get to experience, but paths that are leading to happiness for some and teaching lessons to others.  Paths that teach you how to deal with pain at the most extreme levels and paths that offer you rays of sunshine from darkness.  

How ... can I not travel these paths?  Even when I wander in sadness and tears that spring out of nowhere, I find myself back on these paths with my children.  Even if these are not paths I have chosen for myself, I follow each of them toward some destiny that will lead all of us out of the lines and toward some future that I trust.  I trust it because I helped raised them and I trust that they will find a ground we can all stand on together ...